Eleanor Roosevelt said "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission." I have told many people that many times over the years. Why then is it so difficult to remember that myself? Why is it that some people are so unhappy with their lives that they have to make everyone else just as miserable? Why is it that I'm still having to deal with his need to control me even though we are now divorced? Why is it that I still allow him to make me feel so negatively about myself?

I was feeling pretty content with my life and everything that's going on in it. I even made my relationship "facebook official." Now I'm feeling all of those insecurities all over again. I feel like something's going to catch me off guard, something's going to go horribly wrong, that everything that I am so happy with right now is going to be taken away from me. Why is does my brain function this way? Why is it that I can't convince my brain of the things I know in my heart to be true?

I feel like I have only 2 emotions. Anxious and only slightly anxious. I feel like I'm never really going to be confident and content. That there will never be a time where I don't second guess everything I hear, that there will never be a time when I am confident and secure in my life. I'm afraid that I will never be "fixed" that I am too damaged to ever be normal.

I saw a baby today. An itty bitty teeny tiny little 8 pound baby. I saw her little nose, her little fingers and smelled her little baby smell. My arms itched to hold her, but my eyes deceived me and I started to cry-even though I told myself when she walked in that I wouldn't. I wonder how I will be able to handle my best friend having a baby, how I will handle my sister having a new baby. I am so unbelievably happy for them and their families and yet so unbelievably angry that I will never experience that again-and that it wasn't my decision. I'm angry that someone else got to decide for me that I will never again experience those new baby things.

I worry that I'll never be "enough." I wasn't enough to keep my husband, a man that I had invested 15 years with, faithful. I couldn't keep him happy. We had 15 years worth of history, we had children together and I couldn't keep him happy. How can I possibly keep Lee, someone wonderful, amazing and so deserving of a wonderful life, happy and coming back? Will I ever feel like a worthy human being?