Christmas has come and gone. Overall this Christmas was the best Christmas I've had in a long time. I was able to relax and enjoy the days of celebration with my family. I didn't freak out about the kids making a mess, the tree is still up in the living room and there was no fighting. But there were a lot of tears. I was an emotional mess because everything was so different. My sister wasn't home, my brother didn't come down Christmas morning, my cousins and aunt and uncle didn't attend the party, my family was entirely different. There had been so many changes all at once that it was like it wasn't even the same celebration.

I was an emotional mess because of all of the changes and because I'm so unbelievably happy with my new life. BUT- I'm so happy that I'm wondering when it's all going to come crashing down. This all seems way too good to be true. I honestly don't feel like I deserve the wonderfulness that I am living. I feel like my emotional meltdowns are going to drive him away. I feel like I cry daily and can't really explain to him exactly why I'm crying. He thinks that there is something wrong and I try to explain that I'm not crying because something's wrong, but because everything is right. It's so frustrating to be the girl who cries all the time.

I'm feeling unbelievably insecure today and am really feeling like I need a ton of reassurance and really don't know how to find it without seeming like a whiney brat. I feel like I've heard the line "my phone is dying. I'm going to turn it off till I leave work, I'll call you when I get home" a million times. I didn't sleep well and the phone call never came. Apparently he didn't get home from work until 1 am. I know in my heart that he is an unbelievably honest person and has never given me any reason to not trust him-unfortunately my mind likes to play games with me and convince me of things that I know aren't true. I can't punish him and make him pay for Vern's mistakes forever. I wonder if I'll ever get to a place where I can trust people. I really don't want to feel this way forever.

Today will be a rant about something else. My body. I know I should be proud of the progress I've made in the last year. I know I should focus on the positive changes that I've made and of how much healthier I am than I was 18 months ago-but I'm finding that to be a bigger challenge now than it's ever been. I remember looking in the mirror in August of 2009 weighing nearly 200 pounds and crying. I remember wondering how I allowed myself to get to that point and I remember promising myself that I would again weigh 145 pounds and then I would be happy. Well, now 15 months later I weigh less than the 145 pound goal I set for myself and wouldn't you know it-I'm still not happy.

I know that my body looks totally different than it did before. I am aware that I wore a size 6 skirt to our Thanksgiving dinner-and a size small shirt. I am aware that the sweat pants I wore on Sunday were a small. I know for a fact that my clothing is smaller- I just don't really feel like my body is any smaller. I look in the mirror each morning and see my jiggily thighs, my flabby arms, my squishy stomach. I look in the mirror and I still want to cry. I stand in the shower and obsess over the fact that my thighs touch each other. I HATE the fact that I have such a poor body image. I am disgusted by the fact that I place such value on a number on the scale. And I hate even more that these feelings of disgust and hatred don't help me to eat better or to work out more.

I hate that I can't be happy with who I am. I hate that I can't look in the mirror and find anything that I like about myself. I hate that I look at pictures of myself and even though I'm 60 pounds lighter than I was 15 months ago-I still feel like a huge, fat, disgusting disgrace.

I made a deal with myself last Monday that I was going to go an entire week without saying anything negative about my body. And I did. I made it an entire week. But now it's day 8 and I looked in the mirror this morning and wanted to cry- again. I am so irritated with my inability to find something positive about my appearance.

Ugh. Monday

I have decided I really dislike Mondays. I've always kind of had that "I really don't want to go back to work" feeling-mostly because of how hectic my days (and evenings and nights) are during the work week, but now I dislike them for an entirely different reason. He leaves on Mondays. I really don't like seeing him pack up his clothes, I hate saying good bye at 5 am and I despise hearing his truck back out of my driveway. I don't like all of those things because I know that it'll be 5 days before I get to see him again.

I have spent a lot of time figuring out if this is what I really want. Do I only want a weekend relationship. And the answer overwhelmingly is I'd rather have him 3 days a week than 0 days a week. I have gone over this a million times and I am positive that I am happy with our relationship. I have imagined how it would feel if he were gone and I was scared with the answer. I realized that I have allowed myself to feel for another human being. I have allowed him access to my heart, to my mind-to everything that I am. I realized that I am in love with this man. The man who tries harder than anyone I know to make me happy. The man who fixes things that have been broken for years. The man who will give my kids piggy back rides, lets them steal his socks, spins them in circles, who will wrestle and will try out all of the greatest "finishers." The man who watches me cry and lets me see that it hurts him. The man who understands my love of Christmas. The man who calls me every night before bed and talks to me for an hour.

Now that I know that I love this man-I have an even bigger problem. I refuse to be the one to say it first. I need to hear it from him so that I know he means it-so I know he isn't just saying it back. My heart aches to tell him just how much he means to me. I want so badly to tell him-but I know that saying it at the wrong time could ruin everything we have and I really do not want to do that. I can not count the number of times I have said it to a closing door after he's gone through it, or as I've watched his truck drive away, but I know with absolute certainty that I mean it.

I hate Mondays because that is one more missed opportunity-and because I know that I have to wait 5 more days for another chance.

It's amazing how quickly a day can go from wonderful to all wrong. Thanksgiving was everything I had hoped it would be. I started out the day so very thankful for everything that I have. I am thankful for the changes I have made, thankful for the people I get to surround myself with, I am thankful for my childrens' laughter, the list goes on and on and on. Dinner was wonderful. I am glad I got to share it with people that I love. I will admit I was unbelievably nervous having invited my new friend to spend the holiday with us. I was afraid I would mess up the food, or he'd laugh at my improvisation with the chairs, or that any number of things would go wrong. In the end-only the sink broke. Which he was wonderful enough to fix for me.

After everything was cleaned up and there was no evidence remaining that this thing we called Thanksgiving had even existed, we all sat down in the living room for some Mythbusters and football. And then everything went to hell. His phone rang. He ignored a phone call. He clicked "listen to voicemail later" and a flood of emotions came rushing back. I sat on the couch and cried. Huge tears rolling down my face because of that one action. Not because he ignored the phone call-but because I realized how much he truly matters to me. I realized that I have let myself feel for him, allowed him into my heart and I realized how much it would kill me if he were to hurt me the way my ex-husband had hurt me. I recalled numerous times we'd be at a restaurant, driving down the road, spending time together as a family and his phone would ring and he'd ignore it. Not because he didn't want to be bothered, but because it was one of his other women. It took awhile for me to be able to explain this to the new friend-mainly because I didn't really know how to go about explaining it to him. But I did and I felt a little better. Then anxiety set in and I thought "am I going to drive him away? Will my insecurities scare him? Will they make me not worth the effort?" He says he understands. He says it's ok and that I don't need to apologize. I really want to believe him-but trust is hard to rebuild. I know with each passing day that he's gone I learn to trust a little more-and each time he comes back-I learn to trust even more than when he's gone. I know eventually one day I will be "normal" again. Afterall-it took a long time to "ruin" me and it's going to take even longer to "fix" me. I just hope that he thinks I'm special enough for him to stick around and see me fixed...

I hate you

Today I would like to say a great big huge "I hate you" to my insecurities. I hate the fact that I can't believe things that in my heart I know to be true. I hate that my brain tries to deceive me and get me to believe things I know can't possibly be. I really wish that I could go through each day without this sinking feeling in my stomach. I wish I wasn't constantly waiting for the next huge disappointment. I hate that I can't believe in myself and can't trust that people might actually like me.

I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that I was destined to go through what I went through in order to make me appreciate what I do have. I know that I am learning a lesson in trust and in faith. I know that I should believe in myself, and I should believe him and I should trust in God, but after the life I've lived-it's hard to trust anyone.

I really wish I could be a self confident, self assured woman who never wondered if people were being truthful and honest. I wish I could wake up every morning KNOWING that everything was going to be ok. I wish that could just trust that God knows what he's doing.

I feel like I'm never quite good enough. I'm not the prettiest, the funniest, the smartest. I'm not the best at anything that I do. I'm just an average human being who wants nothing more than to make the people she loves happy and most days I feel like a horrible failure. I know that life isn't a competition and that there will always be somebody faster, smarter, prettier, funnier-but just once I would like to be told I was the best at something.

I hope that someday I will be able to look in the mirror and be ok with what I see. I hope that someday I will look at myself and believe that other people can and do like me, but looking at myself right now it doesn't seem like that day will come anytime soon.

Thank God it's Friday

This has been one of the longest weeks ever. Each night has required me to be at school until at least 4, except for Tuesday and Wednesday which required me to stay until 7. I am so unbelievably thankful that Parent/Teacher conferences are over for another year. I enjoy meeting with parents and talking about what we do, but I really was not cut out to work 12 hour days. Maybe I'm just spoiled.

I'm frantically scurrying to get all of my Highly Qualified Teacher paperwork into the Super's office. This is a huge pain, considering it should have been done 5 years ago-but that's beside the point. I feel this year is the year of paperwork. That between the divorce, moving and school I have had an ever growing stack of papers waiting for me to fill them out and turn them in.

Monday through Friday require so much from me. It's an amazing amount of work to be the only grown up responsible for 3 children. I frequently used to say that it would be easier to be a single parent because there would be no expectation of assistance from the other parent. I am learning that this theory is in fact true! It sucks that there's nobody to "tag-you're it" but, knowing that I am responsible for all of it almost makes it easier. Or it could possibly be the fact that there's nobody making a mess while I'm at work, the house looks exactly the same when I get home as it did when I left. Or maybe it's that our life revolves around our schedule now and nobody else's. Either way-it's a ton of work, but my life seems far less stressful than it did previously.

Because the weeks are so long and hectic-I long for the weekends. I look forward to lazy days and doing whatever we please. I also look forward to being able to spend time with him. The him that makes me happy. The him who wants to spend time with me. The him who makes me smile and forget all of the crappy stuff. The him who has taught me that when someone leaves, it doesn't mean they're gone for good. The him who has taught me that sometimes people are honest and they do what they say they are going to do. The him who has taught me that sometimes people want to make you smile instead of wanting to see you hurting and crying. I think this will be the him that will restore a lot of my faith in humanity.

It's been a long time.

I came home to an empty house last night. I had Parent/Teacher conferences until 7:00 pm and Jeannie was gracious enough to volunteer to keep the kids over night to make my life a little easier. I walked through the door of a quiet house. My arms were only full of my belongings. No backpacks, no blankies, no toys, no papers that didn't quite make it into school bags, and no kids. As I went through my nightly routine of laundry and sweeping and getting things ready for the next day, I realized how lucky I truly am. I have 3 amazingly wonderful, well adjusted, smart, caring and kind children.

As I was sitting on the couch trying to figure out what to do to occupy my time before my most anticipated phone call of the night and then bed time, I decided I should check out my blog. It's been months since I have even logged in, much less posted anything. As I read though those early days of summer, my heart broke for that poor, broken woman struggling to find something each day that would get her through to the next day. I cried a little, I laughed a little and most of all I realized how far I have come in the last 5 months.

I never thought I would be able to live on my own. But I have done it and done a pretty damn good job of it-if I do say so myself. I take care of my home. Hell, I even raked leaves for 7 hours on Saturday. I take care of my kids. I am the best mom that I could possibly be to those 3 little monsters-running them here and there, doing homework, breaking up arguments, hopping like frogs down the hall, playing babies, kissing boo boos and loving them like there's no tomorrow. And I manage to go to work every day with a smile on my face knowing that each day is a new day and a new opportunity to be the best person that I can be.

I have learned a lot about myself and what I value most in life. I have learned that I have an amazing family and wonderful friends. I am thankful for each and every person who has stuck by me through these most trying months and have been supportive even when I was at my worst-because "if they can't handle you at your worst, they certainly don't deserve you at your best," right? I know who I can count on in the middle of the night, I know who would give me their last dollar if I really needed it and I know who will be there with me always. I know that those people who matter give me everything I need and all I need is respect, honesty and love. I am a far happier woman than I have ever been. I am learning who the true Misty is, and to be totally honest- I kind of like her.

I am working on my insecurities little by little. Some days are easier than others. I still have moments, days or even weeks where I feel like people couldn't possibly really like me. I still question people's intentions and their integrity daily. I'm sure over time I will begin to trust people again, and will be able to take their word for things. I'm sure I will begin to be believe in myself and in others. I'm sure that someday I will know the meaning of true happiness. Until then I'm enjoying the ride because life's a journey, not a destination.

In the words of others.

Mohammed Ali said "Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth." I spend most of my days rushing to accomplish all of the things I have set out for myself so that I have fewer things on the list to accomplish tomorrow. Yet, it never ceases to amaze me that tomorrow comes and I have just as many things on that day's list as well.

Yesterday while in the shower I was so irritated that I was still showering in the dark. We began renovating the upstairs bathroom a year and a half ago. Anyone who knows us, knows that it took FOREVER to accomplish anything in this house. So probably about 6 months ago we painted the walls and hung the light fixture. Then- 2 months ago the light just stopped working. I gently reminded that the light didn't work. I proded that the light didn't work, I threw temper tantrums, stomped my feet, crossed my arms and pouted that the light didn't work. Needles to say, none of those tactics worked. I have been bathing my children and showering in the dark since. Now, I have managed to learn to do a lot of things for myself, but I'm afraid that electrical work just isn't one of those things. So, in true 2010 fashion I head to Facebook to let out my frustrations. I get a chuckle out of the image of me holding a flashlight and trying to shower, and even full out laugh picturing myself wearing a miner's hat in the shower. And then something that I did not expect to happen, happened. An offer to come fix my light. I am horrible at accepting help and I will avoid it at all costs. I will make a million excuses for why someone does not, or should not have to help me. Soon all of my Facebook friends were ganging up on me and telling me to stop being so stubborn. And sure enough the entire Simoneau clan pulled into my driveway. In just a short while I had a functioning bathroom light. Peyton was beaming with pride because "he got to help, I even went in the basement and flipped the things." Carson was so excited to learn to shoot a gun on Wednesday that I don't think he could fall asleep if I paid him to. There was much wrestling, horseplay and toy dumpage all around. We ate pizza around the dining room table and we had fun.

After they left I took a minute to think. After all, that was one of the messages at church on Sunday. How often do we just stop and think about what has happened, what is going to happen and why things happen. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful family members that I can also call friends. They didn't need to spend the evening at my house fixing my light and buying me and my herd dinner. But they did, because that is what family is for. We were not put here on this Earth to focus on ourselves. We should take time to help others. We should realize that not everyone will ask for help (I know, I know) and we should offer help when we see that there is a need.

I have found strength that I never knew existed, yes in the everyday things like being able to drive on the highway, grocery shop alone, call people I don't know-but also in being able to stand up for myself and demand to be treated with respect. I believe that reality has finally set in and he doesn't know what to do, so he resorts to what he does best. There were many not so nice things said to me last night. 6 months ago I would have sat here and cried thinking that those things were true. Henry S. Firestone said "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself." I realize that I am learning who I am and who I really am is nowhere near who I thought I was for so very long. I find myself slipping back into my old ways. I find myself apologizing for things I have no control over. I find myself explaining things that really require no explanation. I read Henry Kissinger's quote "Accept everything about yourself-I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end-no apologies, no regrets." And that so closely mirrors what I have been told by a very dear friend in the last few days that I can't help but believe that that is true. I should not apologize for who I am. For in the words of one more smart man "Be who you are and say what you feel because those mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

It's been awhile and I don't even know where to start. We had an exciting week around here. We went to Funtown/Splashtown for the day. We went to the beach, we played in our pool, we visited with friends. And we whined and we cried and we threw fit after fit after fit. It seemed like no matter what I did for and with these kids this week, it wasn't what they wanted or it wasn't good enough or they were mad because of something they didn't get to do. The 3 of them fight over my iPod at least 36 times every day. They spent the entire day at the "nocean" today, yet there were still huge tears and temper tantrums when they couldn't go swimming in the pool. They fought bed time and made me feel pretty crappy in general.

My husband attempted to win me over by asking me if he could take me on a "halfassed" date to use his exact words. I said that I would prefer he give me money to pay bills or support the kids instead of taking me out to dinner, which was apparently not the correct thing to say. I haven't heard from him since. Still no money, still no divorce papers and still no answers.

While laying on the beach on Thursday I started laughing. I had this realization that I hadn't died, that I was the same woman who was a zombie just one month ago, unsure if I would be able to survive. I had in fact survived, I had grown stronger and I was having fun. I am still having fun. I'm able to smile, and I'm able to laugh. I'm able to have a good time with my friends and my family without worrying when the argument will start. But I'm also getting really good at hiding the hurt. It's still painful each and every day. I look at my kids and wonder how the hell he can just walk away from them and not care. I listen to my daughter cry for him almost every night-and I have no answer for where her daddy is. I see my boys being angry and hurt and confused and there is nothing that I can say to make it better. I cry because it's not fair. It's not fair that I am here being the parent to these children day in and day out. It's not fair that he doesn't have to shoulder any of the responsibility-that he can just up and walk away with no regard for anything. It's unfair that he isn't helping me support these children financially. It's unfair that this was what he wanted-freedom to do as he pleased-and now that I'm trying to give it to him he's refusing to let it happen. I don't understand any of this. I'm not sure that I ever will.

A little over 5 years ago I brought home my new little boy. He was absolutely perfect and wonderful and huge. When we brought him home we realized that the 4 of us really did not fit in our little 2 bedroom trailer and that we should begin looking for a new home. Four months later we closed on this beautiful house that we have called home for the last 5 years. It's huge and has more than enough room for each of us to have our own space. We added another baby to the mix and still-there was room enough for everyone. Looking around there are so many wonderful memories of the moments we have shared. Peyton's first steps, our first Christmas in our own home, the death of a pet, the water pouring out of the dining room ceiling, telling him we were having another baby, setting up a nursery, bringing her home, and then standing in my driveway just a month ago and realizing that my biggest fears were coming true.

As much as it hurts, this was OUR home, but it's not my house. My name is not on it and I can't afford to live here alone. I left my mother's house last night and couldn't make myself take that right turn down the back side of Jay Hill. I drove around aimlessly because I was avoiding this house. This house that I have worked so hard to make a home. I will be walking away from this house and all of its memories and it's killing me. I have always said, though, that I would rather live in a cardboard box on the side of the road and be happy than to have everything in the world and be miserable.

As ironic as it sounds, it looks like we might be going back to a little 2 bedroom trailer. It will be small and it will be crowded and nobody will have room for themselves and we'll probably fight like cats and dogs, but it's a start. It's a move in a new direction for us. As much of a change as it will be, it won't be forever. It's what I can afford on my own. And it will be way easier to clean ;) This will be our temporary home.

You know how you know you are making changes, but you really don't feel like a different person until something happens that makes you go, "wow?" I had that moment last night. We were supposed to go to dinner last night to talk about what we're going to do. I was prepared to tell him that I can not live like this and that I'm going to stay with my mom for a little while. We had a babysitter and we were supposed to meet at 6. Lo and behold-work happened. This is not anything new for me and I told him that I completely understand that as long as he works for this company I will always play second fiddle. So, the Misty of 6 months ago would have spent the entire night moping and being upset. Today's Misty thought- well, I already have a babysitter. My mom did mention that I should get a sitter and go see Eclipse with her and her friends from work-so that's what I did. We stopped at The Granary for a drink before the movie. I probably should have stopped at one. Downing two sex on the beaches and then going to a movie with really fast moving vampires and dramatic fight scenes between warewolves and vampires probably was not a good idea. Then we decided we should go back for one more drink after the movie. We had a great discussion with the poor bartender which ended in a quick discussion concerning why Edward and Bella can't be intimate without him nearly killing her, while Bill and Sookie go at it like, well...all the time. Interesting. It felt nice to be out without the phone ringing a hundred times wondering how much longer I'll be out, or not having to rush home so he could go to work. I will need to work on getting some friends of my own though.

I got on the scale this morning-wondering just how much damage the bag of popcorn, the box of raisinettes and the 3 drinks did. I am 1 pound less than the ultimate goal I set for myself a year ago when I started this weight loss journey. I have lost around 46 pounds in the last year. I remember this time last year thinking "If I weighed ______ pounds, I would be soooo happy" Not true. I guess the saying is true, that it doesn't matter what you weigh, if you aren't happy with who you are, you won't be happy with what you look like. I still hate looking in the mirror. I hate what I see. I'm a little concerned that I will never have a "healthy" body image. Will I ever just be happy with me?

It's 6:20 on a Saturday morning. I am really kicking myself for that 3rd drink. I am not a big drinker-it doesn't make much sense to drink alone, so I never really had a chance to do so. I need to get my family up and ready to make the trek to Carson's baseball tournament. I am so proud of him. He tries so hard and is so successful at everything that he does. But, he is also very hard on himself if he feels he has failed at something. He's always been a worrier- he cried on his 3rd birthday because he was closer to dying-my goal for him is to help him enjoy life a little bit more and worry a whole lot less, something I've had to learn to do myself. There is nothing to gain by worrying. It'll all turn out ok in the end.

I've decided to continue to maintain the blog, but I won't be linking it directly any longer. I've decided that those who want to read it will look for it, or choose to follow it, and those are the people who are truly interested in my well being and being supportive of me. The other people who just wanted the latest gossip don't need a direct link to it.

I must admit that I'm a little hurt at how quickly the world jumped to conclusions when they realized that my husband and I are friends on facebook. I feel like I'm having to constantly justify my actions to everyone. We are friends on facebook, it's not like I am proclaiming my love to him for the whole world to see. We have children together and we are stuck having to communicate for the rest of our lives. I think it's also important to point out that you can still love someone even if you don't particularly care for them or their actions. I have spent more than half of my life with this man. Just because we aren't good for each other as husband and wife doesn't mean that we can't remain friends.

I understand it's been a few weeks now and that as time goes on people are less likely to call and check on you every day, that messages don't come as often and people feel like you need them less and less. However, I feel like the moment people saw that we were friends, or heard that he came over to talk on Tuesday evening-that everyone assumes that I have given in and have decided to jump back into this. If you are interested in knowing how it's going-please ask. Do not assume anything and please do not share what you think to be truth with everyone else.

I am not going to put myself or my children in the position to be hurt again. We've come a long way and we know we can make it and that we will be alright. We are going to continue down this path to happiness, the 4 of us. If he finds it in himself to make changes and is able to prove those changes to me and the rest of the world, maybe we'll be a family of 5 again. At this point I'm not holding out hope for miracles. I'm thinking practically and realistically and I am going to enjoy life with my kids.

And now the confusion sets in. I had a few days of being on the go non stop. Then I was home with no plans and had to face reality. The kids were whiney and impossible to please. I would like to hope that this was due to the heat, because I was whiney and hard to please as well. I sunk into a funk where I didn't want to see anyone and really had no desire to talk to anyone either. I could barely get out of my own way. People were worried about me because they hadn't seen me on facebook. I think a few people even thought I had fallen off from the face of the Earth.

Peyton had his first teeball game last night. It was such a hot and miserable day. He felt he should get ready for his game at 9:00 yesterday morning, even though the game wasn't until 5:30. He put on last year's baseball pants which were clearly WAY too small. I tried to encourage him to wear shorts and that I would get him new pants today. He refused. It's teeball, I have to wear my baseball pants. And so he did. He got 2 hits without the tee and his last time at bat he did end up using the tee. It was nearly 100 degrees and humid. I probably would have needed the tee as well.

Peyton wanted daddy to give him a ride home in the big truck. He met me at the store and Peyton got into my car. I handed him Peyton's teeball schedule, Carson's baseball schedule and his copy of the divorce papers. I didn't tell him what I was giving him and there was no conversation. He took the papers and left.

After the kids went to bed he asked if he could come back, that he wanted to talk. He kept saying he was coming to get his wife back, and I said I wanted to talk about what had happened and what was going to happen from this point forward. I admit that I am afraid of his temper and have been programmed to avoid serious issues because he will shut down and run away. I was, at first, afraid to say anything. I was afraid that he would tell me he wouldn't give me any money, and that he would stop coming around the kids.

I was so confused by his actions. He did not get angry. No matter how mean I was, he agreed that he's essentially an ass and that he's failed me and this family on so many levels that he totally understands if I can never forgive him. He offered explanations and admitted things that I've been begging him to admit to forever. He was that man that I've always wanted. The man that would sporadically show up through out my marriage. The man that stayed around long enough for me to remember why I loved him- and then he would leave again.

I am not stupid enough to trust the things he says. I've been down this road before. I know how easy it is to make empty promises. I know for a fact that he is upset by his actions, and I do think that he understands what he's given up, but I'm not sure he's reached a point where he understands so completely that it would never happen again.

I'm afraid of believing him and being hurt again. I've been grieving. It's hard, but it's gotten much better. The kids and I have done a lot of fun things. We have plans to do even more in the very near future. I have learned to appreciate coming home to a quiet, empty (but still clean) house. I'm afraid of what people will say or think. I'm afraid of being the girl who cried wolf.

I know I am a very different person today than I was a year ago, 6 months ago, even 1 month ago. I have discovered strength I never knew existed. I have been pointed in the direction of the Lord and will look to him for advice. I know many people don't believe in continuing to forgive. I know that I've been hurt and I deserve much better than I've had for the last few years. But I also know that I have prayed for him. I have asked the Lord to show him the error of his ways. Who knows if that has happened. I know that I have prayed for guidance and have asked the Lord to show me the path he's laid out for me. I have no idea where that path is going, but I do know that I am not worried. I have no idea what lays ahead, but I know that he knows the way and he will not steer me wrong. I will go about the life that I have with my children. I will live for them and make them happy. I will not waste my time worrying.

The truth hurts.

Life is so exhausting these days. It requires so much energy to not be angry at the world, to not lose control and scream at random strangers who chose my direct line of vision to stand and make out (don't they realize that people in my situation don't want to see that crap? haha) or to take my frustrations out on my children who have chosen this time to test every boundary and every limit I have ever set for them? By the end of the day I am so tired I could cry (and have a few times) and that's when Peyton decides to throw a temper tantrum because he doesn't want to sleep alone and insists that he should be able to stay up until I go to bed. I love them all dearly, but why can't they understand that sometimes mommy just wants to be alone?

We attended "turch" again yesterday. I was shocked at how many people welcomed us and remembered our names from last week. It is truly a very welcoming place. I have found it interesting that this is the time I was pointed in the direction of the church. The Pastor is covering the 10 Commandments over 10 weeks. There have been so many things that he has said in the last two weeks that further prove that I am doing the right thing. I am not crazy for believing that my husband should make time for his family, that I should be the most important person in his life (here on Earth) and that he should treat me as such. I was beginning to think that I was crazy and that I was the only woman on the planet who wanted to see her husband. So many women talk about not being able to wait for the husband to be gone, or to go on that trip, or having the house to themselves, or to go here or there by themselves. I was the complete opposite. I could not wait for mine to be home. Sadly enough, that didn't happen all that often.

We stayed busy the rest of the day. We went to my favorite cousin's for an afternoon of swimming and little 4wheelers and fashion shows and a BBQ with no black hot dogs. It was wonderful to spend the day with family and to watch all of the kids play together. But at the same time, it was unbelievably hard to be around a happy family who have everything I ever wanted. I spend the whole day wondering what is so wrong with me that I couldn't have those things too? All I ever wanted was a happy family in a pretty house. I understand that I was wrong in placing my worth in material things and I believe fully that part of this lesson is that I am supposed to love the simple things in life, that money isn't everything and it certainly can't buy happiness. But where did I go wrong? Were we ever really happy or were we simply going through the motions?

We went to my dad's for a fire and s'mores and the kids got to play with more cousins. They had fun-until Peyton burned his finger on a sparkler. He has always been my sensitive child, but since this whole situation went down, his dramatic antics have gone through the roof. A stubbed toe results in crying and screaming for 5 minutes. He has periods where he "can't walk" and I must carry my 80 pound 5 year old where ever it is that we are going. He can't go to bed alone, he sleeps in my bed every night. We finally returned home nearly 12 hours after leaving. The kids were exhausted, but bedtimes were tested and much crying was involved. I really wasn't cut out to be a single mom.

He sent me a message yesterday saying that he would bring me some money today. I told him to bring whatever he thought was fair. And then he started a fight. He called me on something that I said to one of his friends that was completely true. I admitted that I said it and then said that I was extremely upset and maybe I shouldn't have said it, but I did and there's nothing I can do about it now. And then I said to him "Interesting that you're calling me out for telling the truth, yet I'm not calling you out for some of the disgusting lies you told about me-especially the one where you said I stole $45,000 from your company" and I got "we are done here. bye" Of course we are. This is how every problem has ever been dealt with. Misty has an issue, tries to talk about it, he doesn't feel like dealing with it, or is mad about what I am about to talk about and he takes off for hours or days at a time and refuses to answer me. I will not get sucked back into his games. I don't have to sit by and wait for him to decide that I should be over it by now. It's exhausting to not be steaming mad at him. I'm sure he won't bring money to me now. I'm sure that was part of the plan. Oh well, it will only hurt him in the end. I am content with the choice that I have made. And I was reminded last night that the truth only hurts to those who lie.

Lobster?

I was like a child on Christmas morning. I was wide awake before 5-unable to sleep because I was so excited to make my trip to Juan's house yesterday. We have gone to the beach on July 3 every year (except one) since 2003. The story of our first beach trip includes a car accident, an insurance claim, driving a standard for the first time and being yelled at for going too fast within a state park. We have celebrated this anniversary each year. With the events of the last two weeks, I was so upset thinking that I would have to cancel this year's beach trip. Then I got a sudden burst of "I can do this" and made arrangements for him to come see the kids yesterday and I drove to Juan. It was the first time I've driven on the highway alone. It was fairly uneventful. Well, except for the "dinging" GPS each time my speed was higher than 68 mph and the idiot who almost killed me in Portland, but other than that-I made it! And it took less than two hours. I so enjoyed my day on the beach. I was in heaven laying on that blanket. I don't get to see Juan all that often, but when we are together it's like we see each other every day. I love her and I miss her like crazy and I am so sad that she grew up and moved away.

I took the kids to the fireworks. By 9:00 I was exhausted and my day at the beach had resulted in my skin looking the color of a cooked lobster. My patience was wearing thin. The kids were tired, they had clearly missed me, and it seems that it's going to be a rough transition going from being with daddy to being with mommy. At least for a little bit. That makes me sad, but I understand that that is how it is going to be. I've heard horror stories from moms saying "oh, he just got back from his dad's. It takes me all week to get him back to normal, and then it's time for him to go visit again." I am so not looking forward to having that problem.

I had to deal with a rollercoaster of emotions yesterday. He looked like he hadn't slept in days when he showed up. I asked him if he'd had a rough night. I would love to think he had stayed awake mourning this loss just as I have for so many nights, but I know that he was at a party with some of his friends. He questioned my reasoning for going to dinner after going to the funeral home the night before. Really? I don't remember asking you to explain why you eat...hmmm. Interesting. He told me he loves me, twice. And he tried to hug me. I think he's starting to realize that I am seriously done with this and he's scared. I don't think he's scared enough to change his ways. I don't think he's hit that lowest low yet. I think he feels bad-but I don't think he realizes what a horrible mistake he made. I told him I thought that I at least deserved to sit and talk with him face to face-that I refused to have this discussion through text messages, that we've swept our problems under the rug for 10 years because he didn't feel like dealing with them. If he didn't feel like talking about it, he would leave and not come back until he thought I had gotten over it. I didn't give him the papers. I don't know why. Or maybe I do. I think I'm afraid that he will stop seeing the kids. I would really like to hope that that will not be the case, but you never know.

Today I have a very busy day, but nothing tomorrow. The busy days are fine. The not busy days, not so much. Maybe tomorrow will be the day that I rekindle my relationship with Jillian. It has been nearly a month since we've spent any time together and it's quite obvious.

Finding Strength & Giving Support.

Yesterday was a day about finding strength. I did not want to do anything except lay in bed. As I was laying here-my cellphone kept telling me I was receiving messages. I couldn't even bring myself to roll over and see who they were from. Since Facebook is blocked at work I signed up for text alerts (sorry!) After about the 6th message, I decided that I should probably let people know I wasn't dead. As I was reading my messages I was kicking myself for being such a brat. Each and every one of the people sending me messages genuinely care about me and were worried about me and I was laying in bed feeling bad for myself. I even told Jeannie that I wasn't leaving my bed, that I was going to avoid the day. And in true Jeannie fashion she told me it wasn't an option-to get my tush out of bed and bring the youngest 2 to her so I could take Carson to the doctor. I obeyed. Jeannie does know what is best for me, after all. I found the strength to get out of bed and face the day.

I could tell that Carson was having one of those days as well. His doctor's appointment was going well until they ask THOSE questions: "How is everything at home? How's your family? Everyone getting along ok?" We both cried. This poor woman just saw me last Tuesday with Isabelle and I told her then that everything was fine. My how things can change in 10 days time. She gave me a list of counselors in the area who specialize in this issue-with children especially. We wiped our tears, we found our strength and we may have even laughed before we left the office. Then I bought him a watermelon coollatta and everything was ok again.

I spent the rest of the day preparing for his visit with the kids at 5. Of course I picked up and cleaned a little. I didn't want him to think that his leaving me had rendered me useless and had turned me into a slob. I was also preparing myself for a long walk with Jeannie. I hadn't participated in physical activity for a long time and really wondered how I was going to make it-especially since I really haven't been able to give my body much fuel. He came-I left. We exchanged brief pleasantries and nothing more. It was awkward to be in the same room as the man that I have loved for half of my life. It hurt more than anything to see that he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. I don't care that I haven't worn mine in over 2 weeks. He was the one who hurt me, he should still be wearing his. But he wasn't, and there was no point in making a big deal about it. I left him with a 9 year old who is dealing with his hurt by hiding in video games, a 5 year old who was passed out with a fever and a 2 year old who was having a foot stomping, breath holding temper tantrum. I got in my car and left. And I stayed gone for over 3 hours. I made it through the walk, I spent time with friends, I signed Carson up for football camp and I stopped at Hannaford-infant's Motrin really doesn't work on an 80 pound 5 year old. When I returned, there was little conversation and he left. I thought "Hey, I can handle this"

I thought I had found a lot of strength over the course of the day. That strength was tested after he left. The text messages that followed were full of promises that can't be kept, not very nice words and implications. I made the point multiple times that I will not be hurt like this again. I am starting to feel ok and I am only going forward, I will not go backward. I will communicate, but I will not argue. I will be respectful and I expect him to do the same. I guess I had found more strength than I thought I did.

I did not make this choice. I am doing what I feel to be the right thing to do. I am looking to the Lord for guidance. He is revealing to me which way to go. He knows the way, he isn't showing me the entire path, but he's certainly showing me that I need to move forward. I am doing things for myself, by myself and it feels good. Any changes need to be made, and then proven. I refuse to take his word for truth anymore.

Yesterday was about finding strength and today will be about lending support. I am going somewhere I never ever go. I will be giving my support to a dear friend who lost his father earlier this week. I have never been able to handle death. I avoid visiting hours and funerals at all costs. I have always felt like I was intruding on a time of mourning and sorrow. Now I realize that that is when people need to feel loved and cared for the most. I may not be very strong myself right now, but this is one more big girl step that I must take.

I started out the day wondering if I was living in some alternate universe. I went through my morning routine, got the kids to daycare, went to the ATM, went to my dad's store. I cried and cried and cried in that parking lot. It was the first time I had cried in days. I was moved by my dad's support and his caring. I haven't always had the best relationship with my dad. I've always loved him-but didn't always make the time for him that I should have. I went to work. I went to the bank, I went to Hannaford, I went to the town office (but they were closed) and I went back to the bank. My to do list keeps getting longer and longer. As I cross off one thing 13 more get written in. Yet-as I went about my day I felt like I was observing all of this happening-like I wasn't really doing all of those things. It's hard to describe. I felt like I was on auto pilot for most of the day.

I got to spend some time with a wonderful friend from work. She was my support system for getting the papers notarized today. We had a great conversation-even if it was in the parking lot of the closed Town Office. Hilarious that I had about 15 people say to me-"Hey, I saw you at the Town Office today" She really helped me put some of my issues into perspective.

More than once today I said "I feel like I am making the biggest mistake of my life, like I'm going to give up everything I have and regret it later on." I continued to feel that way most of the day. I again, felt like I was in some alternate universe, that this wasn't really happening to me-that it was all a bad dream, one I would wake up from tomorrow. I made it through a 3 hour baseball practice thanks to my wonderful friends whose sons are also on the All Star team. They helped me tremendously with Peyton and Isabelle. I was so happy that we made it through alive I decided I would get them some McDonald's as a reward. Very rarely do I stop at McD's-but they love it and I knew they would appreciate it. As I was leaving, my phone rang. (I still don't know how to answer the ugly thing!) It was THE girl. The one who turned my world upside down a week ago. He has another profile. He's found another girl to talk to. This new girl just happens to know old girl and they compared notes.

I prayed a lot today. I asked God for guidance. I asked him to reveal to me my path. I questioned if I should go through with the divorce or if we should just remain separated and see what happens. Apparently this is how he chose to reveal it to me. I have to admit it didn't hurt quite as much as it might have a week ago. I don't know if that's a good thing or if it's a bad thing. Does it mean that I just don't care as much anymore? Or does it mean that I am at peace with the decision I have made? Either way, it hurt-but it didn't render me useless for the rest of the night.

I am a married woman and will stay true to my wedding vows until the day the court determines me to no longer be a married woman. I know it has only been a week, but I have no interest or desire to be in the dating game any time soon, especially after finding out just what happens in that dating world! I need to work on me and regain my faith in humanity and realize that not everyone is out to hurt me, not everyone will break my heart, not everyone will lie to me, and someone might even like me for who I am. I am thankful for all of my wonderful friends and family who are continuing to support me through this time of immense need.

Yesterday seems like it was a blur. I had to get up and go to work. Generally that means a day full of distractions. Not so much yesterday. We were placing students into their math classes for next year. Not enough to keep my mind from wandering. Add to that seeing people and it made for an emotional day.

As I was driving to work, I was reminded of those commercials from a few years ago about quitting smoking. You know the ones where the woman can't back her car out of the driveway, or the person is making eggs and cracks it directly onto the burner and the message was something about having to learn a new routine? I realized that was part of my sadness. It was very rare for Vern to be home when I got up in the morning, but I usually sent him a text before I even got out of bed. I would text him a million times a day. I would plan dinner around his arrival time, wait for him to put the kids to bed. If it so happened that he was still gone when I went to bed I would call him and then undoubtedly I'd get the "Good night babe. Get some rest, I'll see you tomorrow" text no longer than 3 minutes after hanging up. Now none of those things happen. Nobody to text good morning and nobody to text good night. Nobody to go check to see what that noise was, nobody to let the dog out one more time because I'm afraid of the dark and nobody to make sure I am ok.

I had sent him a message on Sunday telling him I would be at work if he wanted to come take a shower and get some more clothes while I wasn't around. When I got home he had left me a note and had left my wedding/engagement rings on the counter. He had taken them when he left and I was certain I'd never see them again. Just earlier in the day I had looked at the picture of me proudly holding my first fishing license and was thinking how beautiful those rings were. I was horribly sad seeing them sitting on the counter.

The entire day was full of sadness. I was sad thinking that it was really over. I was sad thinking that maybe I'm making a horrible mistake. I was sad thinking that maybe I'd give him another chance-only to cause myself more pain in the end. I was sad thinking that he wouldn't want me to give him another chance.

I talked to him briefly. Not with my voice, but through texts. I talked to my mom. I talked to my very special cousin who I am lucky to have in my life again. I talked to Jeannie. I talked and talked and talked and none of it made me feel better. I came to a few realizations though.
1) My brother's issues mean he has to stay at my mom's right now. That means it wasn't meant for us to stay there.
2) I realized how impersonal texting really is. You can say whatever you want and the person on the receiving end has no idea if you are being truthful or not. They can say what you want to hear, they can say what they believe to be true. And sometimes the receiving party takes the messages to mean something totally different than they were intended.
3) I was one of those people who believed that technology was fantastic and it wasn't really going to harm society. Maybe because I was a teenager when the internet was becoming the next big thing? Yes, it's fantastic that I have the world at my fingertips, that I can find out anything I need to know by pressing a few keys on the keyboard, that I can begin this journey of healing by writing this. But it also makes it way too easy for vulnerable people to do immoral things. Morals and manners seem to be a thing of the past. I can't change the whole world, but I can teach my own children and I can do the best I can with the kids who come through my classroom daily.
4) I believe that it was fate that brought me to Jeannie's daycare that day in August of 2004. I had just graduated from college, had started my first job and was in desperate need of daycare for my child (hard to believe I only had 1 then!) My stepmother called me at work and gave me Jeannie's name. We went to visit and the rest is history. We often joke about the fact that it was after 5 and I dragged Carson out of there kicking and screaming under my arm. Maybe the reason for Jeannie's suffering all those years ago was so that she would be the strong motivator to help me through this? Who knows, but I know I am beyond thankful we went to visit 6 years ago.

I am still sad today. My heart still hurts. I see that I could easily sit in my little corner of the couch all day long and cry. I think it would be entirely too possible. He told me he loved me last night. I told him I would always love him, but that we have pretty crappy ways of showing each other that love. I told him actions speak louder than words and that he is being ruled by Satan right now. I read some of my bible last night. Peyton asked if he could have a bible too. He sent his very first text message. He knew how to spell all of the words all by himself. We are all growing and changing. We will all be different in the end.

As I was reading last night I came across this statement: Matthew 6:27 "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life" I realized how much of my life I have spent worrying. Worry about bills and worrying about how things would turn out, worrying about when the next argument was going to happen, worrying about what people thought of me, worrying about everything. In the end the Lord always provided, and made everything ok. I guess now is the time that I realize I need to put my faith in the Lord, for he knows my path. My goal is to spend less time worrying as it does not add hours, but instead it subtracts. I will have faith that he is showing me the way and I will be thankful for what I have.

I went to church today.

It was something I had wanted to do for quite some time, but wasn't really sure how to take the first step. I am 29 years old and have never been to church a day in my life. I believe in God and believe that we are never given more than we can handle, and that everything happens for a reason, and that our journey in life was mapped out for us before we were born-that no matter what happens, it was our destiny. That's the easy part. Around Easter time (I know you're laughing Jess) I realized just how ignorant I really was.

It was Good Friday and I had a student ask "Hey, isn't today a Holiday? Why are we here today?" I explained that it was Good Friday, and that school isn't closed on Good Friday. The discussion that followed really doesn't paint me in a very nice light, but man was it funny. The student wanted to know what Good Friday was. I explained it was the Friday before Easter. He looked at me like I had 13 heads and I'm sure he was thinking something along the lines of "Wow, woman, you are an idiot" I had NO IDEA what Good Friday was. Clearly this is something I should have picked up somewhere along the way, right? I mean-I know why we celebrate Christmas and I know why we celebrate Easter, but why Good Friday? I admit I BS'd my way through an introduction while I Googled (Yes, I Googled) what Good Friday was and was able to pull together a very quick explanation by reading out of the corner of my eye. I felt like an idiot.

It was that moment that I realized I would like to be educated about Christ and about the Bible. The desire to know Christ didn't come for a bit longer, but it came. I was unsure about how to go about picking a church. Is it like shopping for shoes? You just pick one out and try it on and if it doesn't fit or feel comfortable you just move on to the next one? To be totally honest I had no idea what happened inside the walls of a church. I was scared to take that first step.

I asked around, did some research and decided that today I would attend my very first church service. My sister in law and her family were even going to drive 2 hours to come with me. And then I made a million excuses for why I shouldn't go. I wouldn't be ready in time, it was hot, I didn't know anyone there, I knew too many people there-the list went on and on and on. Thankfully Jess gave me that final push out the door. In typical Misty fashion we were late and I was in a panic. My first time going to church and I was going to get there late. How would he feel about that? I was sure it would be a disgrace. Luckily as I pulled in-others were too and I didn't feel quite so bad. Then, about half way across the parking lot, I stopped. I was certain that I wouldn't be able to do it. I thought that without a doubt the entire congregation would turn and look at me and wonder what I was doing there. Of course, I finished that trek across the parking lot-found a seat near the back and I made it through.

Peyton had a blast-went up for the Children's Message and even went down to Children's Church on his own. He can't wait to go back to "turch" Carson was very unsure and didn't leave my side, but I did see him singing along a few times. And Isabelle, well-she was Isabelle. She picked the worst times to "dickle, dickle, dickle" her brother and was more than vocal during prayer, but we made it through and nobody looked at us like we were aliens-and I think we'll go back.

I felt like today was a big step in a new direction for us. I am still sad. I am still wondering where he is and who he is with and I don't know how long I will feel that way. I am afraid that I will feel that way forever. I am afraid that I will never be able to move on-that I will spend eternity wondering. I know that probably isn't the case-it's only been a week-and that as time passes I will spend less of my time worrying, but for right now it's hard. It's hard to think about the times we had conversations about those people who had affairs and how horrible it was for all parties involved. It's hard to think about the promises that were made. It's hard to think about our marriage vows and our promise to "love, honor and cherish" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to each other until parted by death" and how easily those were broken. I refuse to play the blame game. I know that we both made mistakes and I accept responsibility for my part. All I ever asked for was communication and all I ever got in return was avoidance. I filled out the papers tonight and tomorrow I have the distraction of going to work and I am comforted by the advice of my wise friend - it's not that I meant so little to him, it's that he means so much to himself.

Maybe God will work a miracle and he will become a changed man and years down the road everyone will dance at our second wedding, but for right now I am looking to my future and all I see is one happy mommy with 3 happy babies and that's good enough for me.

And I did not cry

Yesterday was about healing. I was able to take a few bites of food, I had slept for 7 entire hours. I swept my house for the first time in nearly a week. Having 3 kids and a dog who sheds constantly you can only imagine what these floors looked like. I did the dishes, I bathed the kids. It was like a normal day around here. And I did not cry.

The phone rang many, many times. I was so moved by the outpouring of support that I have and the number of people who are proud of me and are confident that I will get through this not only alive, but stronger. I talked to people. I talked about my plans, I talked about my past. I took my kids to see their cousins and to go swimming for the day. I smiled, I laughed, I enjoyed myself and I enjoyed my kids. And I did not cry.

Finally after 3 days with no contact, he sent me a message saying he would meet me to sign the papers and wanted to make arrangements to see the kids. I was happy that he finally realized that he needs to be there for them. I will admit that it was hard for me to keep the conversation on track. It was nearly impossible to not mention all of the hurt that he has caused me, but we spoke about the kids and came up with a plan for him to see them. We did not talk about us and I realized that we would be able to be parents to our children, just parents that live in two different places. I admit that it hurt to realize I'm going to have to share my kids-that the image that I had always had of Thanksgivings around the big dining room table and Christmas morning under the Christmas tree-was not going to be how it was for us. I wanted so badly for my family to be the one that made it-despite everything we had working against us. I had seen so many families go through horrible times and make it out stronger in the end. I had seen men and women deal with the same issues and still be in love with each other 20 years later. Everyone always told me that year 7 was the worst and if you can make it through that-you can make it through anything. Unfortunately I am 51 days from my 8th anniversary. I guess I never made it through year 7.

I know with absolute certainty that I tried my hardest, that I fought for what was important and I never gave up hope. Even in times of complete darkness I looked for any little spot of light I could find. I had faith that we'd make it, that we weren't going to be a statistic, that just because we were young parents and married young didn't mean we were destined for divorce. We weren't those people. We were stronger than them and we had proved everyone wrong for a very long time.

I see now that I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. I was blind to a lot of things, I ignored a lot of things and I refused to acknowledge things that were right in front of my face. I didn't want to see them and admit that we might not make it through. I thought, naively, that if I ignored the problems they would go away. Unfortunately that just makes the problems bigger and harder to deal with in the end. But at the end of the day-I made it through and I did not cry.

Not Baby Steps...

Big Girl Steps. That's what yesterday was all about. I put on make up, I put on a skirt, I did my hair and I got stuff done. I went to the bank. This is a big deal because I never, ever, ever went to the bank myself. I sat in one office and then the next and I got stuff done. I took steps to ensure that my children will not suffer because of the choices made by the adults in their life. Unfortunately for them-he is still choosing himself over his family and won't be making this easy for us financially. But really, I didn't expect much else. But like I told Peyton last night-as long as we love each other, that's all that really matters right now.

Next, I made a really difficult stop. I went to see my dad. I told him what was happening and promised him that no matter what happens, I will payback those last 3 loan payments. It was very hard to admit defeat. It was difficult to stand in that store and be strong, and it was hard to see the pain in my father's eyes. But it was another big girl step that I had to take.

I went to Verizon and I got my own cellphone in my own name. The story is really funny-but it's probably best saved for another day. Let's just say that I have a lot of things to learn-and this experience was certainly ALL about learning. In the end I walked away with one of the ugliest phones in the store-a far cry from the wonderful Windows phone I have been using, but it's about starting over. As I left Verizon with my own contract-in my own name, and my own phone-I realized that it's mine and there is nothing that anyone else can do to take that away from me. Nobody can control what I do with it, whether it's working or not, and nobody is going to run the bill up on me. It's mine!

And then I went somewhere I had hoped to never have to go. I was not strong enough to go alone and I thank God that I have such a wonderful support system right now. A wonderful, dear friend came with me to the courthouse. I was shocked at how easy it was to get divorce papers. Walk up to the window, pay $5 and walk away with a pack of papers. I guess they make that part so easy because the rest of it is so difficult. I still haven't filled them out yet. They're sitting on the table. I need to find the strength to take that next step.

I took big girl steps yesterday. I still cried. I found myself laughing a few times. And once I even caught myself singing REALLY loudly in my car. I really can't help it though, Katy Perry and Snoop Dogg make it impossible to not sing along. My list of big girl steps keeps getting longer and longer, my responsibilities bigger and bigger, my sadness deeper and deeper, but my faith is getting stronger and stronger.

I have amazing friends and a fantastic family. I have so many people pulling for me and holding me up right now there is no possible way I can fail. People that probably shouldn't be helping me out, people that I had pushed aside for a very long time. People that I was convinced didn't care about me or what happened to me. People-I see now-who love me and care about me and want the real Misty to make it out of this stronger than ever.

I told the boys last night. I had hoped it would be a discussion that we could have as a family. It didn't work out that way, but I made a promise to them that we are going to be the best little 4 person family that has ever existed and I swore to them that they would remember this as the best summer of their lives instead of the summer their parents got divorced. And we start working on that today...I made a promise afterall, and I don't make promises I can't keep.

Two momentous things happened today. I woke up. Yes, I slept. I laid in my bed at 1:00 and I woke up at 6:00. I was shocked. And then when I woke up I went through the morning ritual of going to the bathroom (TMI) standing on the scale. (The number keeps going down, at a rate that is a bit alarming), making the bed and making a cup of coffee. And I didn't cry. I got through the first 10 minutes of my morning routine without crying. I then realized it was bizarre that I hadn't received any calls, messages or notifications on my cell. I called the number and sure enough, he's disconnected it. A bump in the road-but I'll get over it. I have connections at Verizon ;) or I'll make do without one. After all, having a cell phone is not a necessity. And I still hadn't cried. Then I sat down at the computer, and I cried.

A very wise woman told me that it's ok to cry. That divorce is similar to death, it is the passing of everything that I have known and loved for many years and that I need to mourn this passing, just as I would any other death. And since I trust this woman, and I know that she's been down this path herself I am going to do just that. I am going to deal with the emotions as they come. Sometimes I will be sad, sometimes I will be relieved that the suffering is over and sometimes I will actually smile and be able to laugh without feeling like I am somehow being dishonorable to my suffering. Afterall-it is my marriage that has passed away, not me, and certainly not my life. I need to stay alive and stay strong for my 3 babies who are going to be scared, sad and confused and who are going to need me more than they've ever needed me.

I realized late last night that even though I thought of myself as a strong woman, I have, in fact been very weak. I have allowed my husband to control every aspect of our lives. He dealt with the bank, he dealt with the creditors, he dealt with the cellphone company, he dealt with things that I didn't feel like dealing with. Mostly because I don't like talking to people that I don't know. Today I take a big step. I am going to go somewhere I have never been and I am going to take care of some business of my own. I'm sure I will not be able to go alone, but I will go. And I will be able to accomplish this task because I have faith. I have faith that Jesus will be watching over me.
Psalm 56:3-4
When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?

Today, I Got Groceries

Now, to some that seems a very mundane task. To those of you who know me, you know I am creature of habit. I always get groceries at WalMart on Friday afternoons after picking the kids up from daycare and after we enjoy dinner at either Pizza Hut or Jade Palace. I, Misty Martin went to get groceries on a Thursday evening. I still shopped in the same order that I always have, hitting all of the aisles in the same order, still buying what I always buy. But I did it on a Thursday, and we didn't have dinner first. And Carson wasn't with us, but that's not all that uncommon now that he's 9 and would rather go to a friend's house or he has practice or any number of things that come up to keep him from being with us. The most noticed difference was the lack of-my husband.

I don't think that I have gone grocery shopping without him in over 2 years. It has always been a family affair. Today I realized my family has changed. I only had to shop for 4 people, and those 4 people aren't that picky. They will eat healthy food and they do not require meat and starch at each meal. It hit me like a ton of bricks. This was one of the "firsts" The first grocery shopping trip for a family of 4. I'm sure there are many, many more "firsts" to come. Some will be pleasant and some will sting like a million bees. But they will be there and they will be memorable.

I know the saying "Today is the fist day of the rest of your life" and really, all today felt like was the day that I cried myself dry. I cried when I realized the sun was coming up. I cried when I saw Peyton laying beside me in my bed. I cried when I got out of bed. I cried when my best friend called. I cried when Isabelle came into my room. I cried when I folded his laundry. I cried when I put away groceries. I cried when I backed the car up the driveway-another first! I think you get the point. I did nothing but cry all day long. I expected to be all cried out. Yet, as I sit here, alone and lonely I find myself still crying, but it is for a different reason. I'm crying because I think I'm going to be ok. I will pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again tomorrow, because tomorrow is a new day, afterall.