Here I am, again

It's been a few months and if I'm back, that generally means that things have gone to hell in a hand basket. When I feel sorry for myself, I come back here and read all of the horrible, heartbreaking posts from last year. Yes, I like to review my past pity parties to make sure that the one I'm currently having for myself is worthy of me.

Looks like I'm destined to spend another summer single. Don't people realize that summer is not the best time to leave me to my own devices? I have too much unstructured time and do ridiculous things. I really don't even want to relive some of the indiscretions of last summer. In my defense though-most of those occurred under the influence of alcohol so I'm going to stand by the fact that I can not be held accountable for my actions.

More than that though, I get lonely. After the kids go to bed and the house is unbelievably quiet-there is no one to turn to for conversation, for support, for a laugh or to get me a drink of water. There's no one to laugh at my ridiculous tears anytime someone gets married, has a baby, dies, cries, gets into an argument or wins something on TV. There's nobody there who gets me and knows just what I need when I need it.

I have learned a lot in the last 9 months. I've learned about trust and faith and courage. I've learned that not everyone is mean and hateful, that sometimes others do care. I've learned that I can do just about anything I need to do in order to survive-except kill spiders or hornets. I'll still call my parents for that. I've managed to maintain a home on my own for almost an entire year. I've taken huge steps and learned a lot about myself.

I've also learned that the only person you can control in a relationship is yourself. You can't control how your partner feels or will react. I've learned that 2 people can love each other, but might not be able to maintain a relationship. I've learned that "you can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons and in a moment they can choose to walk away...Love them anyway"

I've learned what I want out of life, what I value in a partner and what I deserve in this life. I've learned that it's easier to walk away from someone you despise than from someone you love...but sometimes you have no choice.

I've also learned that I really like beer...and bacon. But that's neither here nor there. I can thank Lee for a lot of things, but my hips and my thighs refuse to thank him for those 2 diet killing items.

I know I'll be ok-I understand this was a learning experience. I don't know what lesson I was supposed to learn from this-maybe it'll make sense to me someday. Until then I'll look back fondly on the last 9 months. It was one hell of a ride...and in the words of Garth Brooks "I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance"

Eleanor Roosevelt said "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission." I have told many people that many times over the years. Why then is it so difficult to remember that myself? Why is it that some people are so unhappy with their lives that they have to make everyone else just as miserable? Why is it that I'm still having to deal with his need to control me even though we are now divorced? Why is it that I still allow him to make me feel so negatively about myself?

I was feeling pretty content with my life and everything that's going on in it. I even made my relationship "facebook official." Now I'm feeling all of those insecurities all over again. I feel like something's going to catch me off guard, something's going to go horribly wrong, that everything that I am so happy with right now is going to be taken away from me. Why is does my brain function this way? Why is it that I can't convince my brain of the things I know in my heart to be true?

I feel like I have only 2 emotions. Anxious and only slightly anxious. I feel like I'm never really going to be confident and content. That there will never be a time where I don't second guess everything I hear, that there will never be a time when I am confident and secure in my life. I'm afraid that I will never be "fixed" that I am too damaged to ever be normal.

I saw a baby today. An itty bitty teeny tiny little 8 pound baby. I saw her little nose, her little fingers and smelled her little baby smell. My arms itched to hold her, but my eyes deceived me and I started to cry-even though I told myself when she walked in that I wouldn't. I wonder how I will be able to handle my best friend having a baby, how I will handle my sister having a new baby. I am so unbelievably happy for them and their families and yet so unbelievably angry that I will never experience that again-and that it wasn't my decision. I'm angry that someone else got to decide for me that I will never again experience those new baby things.

I worry that I'll never be "enough." I wasn't enough to keep my husband, a man that I had invested 15 years with, faithful. I couldn't keep him happy. We had 15 years worth of history, we had children together and I couldn't keep him happy. How can I possibly keep Lee, someone wonderful, amazing and so deserving of a wonderful life, happy and coming back? Will I ever feel like a worthy human being?