In the words of others.

Mohammed Ali said "Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth." I spend most of my days rushing to accomplish all of the things I have set out for myself so that I have fewer things on the list to accomplish tomorrow. Yet, it never ceases to amaze me that tomorrow comes and I have just as many things on that day's list as well.

Yesterday while in the shower I was so irritated that I was still showering in the dark. We began renovating the upstairs bathroom a year and a half ago. Anyone who knows us, knows that it took FOREVER to accomplish anything in this house. So probably about 6 months ago we painted the walls and hung the light fixture. Then- 2 months ago the light just stopped working. I gently reminded that the light didn't work. I proded that the light didn't work, I threw temper tantrums, stomped my feet, crossed my arms and pouted that the light didn't work. Needles to say, none of those tactics worked. I have been bathing my children and showering in the dark since. Now, I have managed to learn to do a lot of things for myself, but I'm afraid that electrical work just isn't one of those things. So, in true 2010 fashion I head to Facebook to let out my frustrations. I get a chuckle out of the image of me holding a flashlight and trying to shower, and even full out laugh picturing myself wearing a miner's hat in the shower. And then something that I did not expect to happen, happened. An offer to come fix my light. I am horrible at accepting help and I will avoid it at all costs. I will make a million excuses for why someone does not, or should not have to help me. Soon all of my Facebook friends were ganging up on me and telling me to stop being so stubborn. And sure enough the entire Simoneau clan pulled into my driveway. In just a short while I had a functioning bathroom light. Peyton was beaming with pride because "he got to help, I even went in the basement and flipped the things." Carson was so excited to learn to shoot a gun on Wednesday that I don't think he could fall asleep if I paid him to. There was much wrestling, horseplay and toy dumpage all around. We ate pizza around the dining room table and we had fun.

After they left I took a minute to think. After all, that was one of the messages at church on Sunday. How often do we just stop and think about what has happened, what is going to happen and why things happen. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful family members that I can also call friends. They didn't need to spend the evening at my house fixing my light and buying me and my herd dinner. But they did, because that is what family is for. We were not put here on this Earth to focus on ourselves. We should take time to help others. We should realize that not everyone will ask for help (I know, I know) and we should offer help when we see that there is a need.

I have found strength that I never knew existed, yes in the everyday things like being able to drive on the highway, grocery shop alone, call people I don't know-but also in being able to stand up for myself and demand to be treated with respect. I believe that reality has finally set in and he doesn't know what to do, so he resorts to what he does best. There were many not so nice things said to me last night. 6 months ago I would have sat here and cried thinking that those things were true. Henry S. Firestone said "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself." I realize that I am learning who I am and who I really am is nowhere near who I thought I was for so very long. I find myself slipping back into my old ways. I find myself apologizing for things I have no control over. I find myself explaining things that really require no explanation. I read Henry Kissinger's quote "Accept everything about yourself-I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end-no apologies, no regrets." And that so closely mirrors what I have been told by a very dear friend in the last few days that I can't help but believe that that is true. I should not apologize for who I am. For in the words of one more smart man "Be who you are and say what you feel because those mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

It's been awhile and I don't even know where to start. We had an exciting week around here. We went to Funtown/Splashtown for the day. We went to the beach, we played in our pool, we visited with friends. And we whined and we cried and we threw fit after fit after fit. It seemed like no matter what I did for and with these kids this week, it wasn't what they wanted or it wasn't good enough or they were mad because of something they didn't get to do. The 3 of them fight over my iPod at least 36 times every day. They spent the entire day at the "nocean" today, yet there were still huge tears and temper tantrums when they couldn't go swimming in the pool. They fought bed time and made me feel pretty crappy in general.

My husband attempted to win me over by asking me if he could take me on a "halfassed" date to use his exact words. I said that I would prefer he give me money to pay bills or support the kids instead of taking me out to dinner, which was apparently not the correct thing to say. I haven't heard from him since. Still no money, still no divorce papers and still no answers.

While laying on the beach on Thursday I started laughing. I had this realization that I hadn't died, that I was the same woman who was a zombie just one month ago, unsure if I would be able to survive. I had in fact survived, I had grown stronger and I was having fun. I am still having fun. I'm able to smile, and I'm able to laugh. I'm able to have a good time with my friends and my family without worrying when the argument will start. But I'm also getting really good at hiding the hurt. It's still painful each and every day. I look at my kids and wonder how the hell he can just walk away from them and not care. I listen to my daughter cry for him almost every night-and I have no answer for where her daddy is. I see my boys being angry and hurt and confused and there is nothing that I can say to make it better. I cry because it's not fair. It's not fair that I am here being the parent to these children day in and day out. It's not fair that he doesn't have to shoulder any of the responsibility-that he can just up and walk away with no regard for anything. It's unfair that he isn't helping me support these children financially. It's unfair that this was what he wanted-freedom to do as he pleased-and now that I'm trying to give it to him he's refusing to let it happen. I don't understand any of this. I'm not sure that I ever will.

A little over 5 years ago I brought home my new little boy. He was absolutely perfect and wonderful and huge. When we brought him home we realized that the 4 of us really did not fit in our little 2 bedroom trailer and that we should begin looking for a new home. Four months later we closed on this beautiful house that we have called home for the last 5 years. It's huge and has more than enough room for each of us to have our own space. We added another baby to the mix and still-there was room enough for everyone. Looking around there are so many wonderful memories of the moments we have shared. Peyton's first steps, our first Christmas in our own home, the death of a pet, the water pouring out of the dining room ceiling, telling him we were having another baby, setting up a nursery, bringing her home, and then standing in my driveway just a month ago and realizing that my biggest fears were coming true.

As much as it hurts, this was OUR home, but it's not my house. My name is not on it and I can't afford to live here alone. I left my mother's house last night and couldn't make myself take that right turn down the back side of Jay Hill. I drove around aimlessly because I was avoiding this house. This house that I have worked so hard to make a home. I will be walking away from this house and all of its memories and it's killing me. I have always said, though, that I would rather live in a cardboard box on the side of the road and be happy than to have everything in the world and be miserable.

As ironic as it sounds, it looks like we might be going back to a little 2 bedroom trailer. It will be small and it will be crowded and nobody will have room for themselves and we'll probably fight like cats and dogs, but it's a start. It's a move in a new direction for us. As much of a change as it will be, it won't be forever. It's what I can afford on my own. And it will be way easier to clean ;) This will be our temporary home.

You know how you know you are making changes, but you really don't feel like a different person until something happens that makes you go, "wow?" I had that moment last night. We were supposed to go to dinner last night to talk about what we're going to do. I was prepared to tell him that I can not live like this and that I'm going to stay with my mom for a little while. We had a babysitter and we were supposed to meet at 6. Lo and behold-work happened. This is not anything new for me and I told him that I completely understand that as long as he works for this company I will always play second fiddle. So, the Misty of 6 months ago would have spent the entire night moping and being upset. Today's Misty thought- well, I already have a babysitter. My mom did mention that I should get a sitter and go see Eclipse with her and her friends from work-so that's what I did. We stopped at The Granary for a drink before the movie. I probably should have stopped at one. Downing two sex on the beaches and then going to a movie with really fast moving vampires and dramatic fight scenes between warewolves and vampires probably was not a good idea. Then we decided we should go back for one more drink after the movie. We had a great discussion with the poor bartender which ended in a quick discussion concerning why Edward and Bella can't be intimate without him nearly killing her, while Bill and Sookie go at it like, well...all the time. Interesting. It felt nice to be out without the phone ringing a hundred times wondering how much longer I'll be out, or not having to rush home so he could go to work. I will need to work on getting some friends of my own though.

I got on the scale this morning-wondering just how much damage the bag of popcorn, the box of raisinettes and the 3 drinks did. I am 1 pound less than the ultimate goal I set for myself a year ago when I started this weight loss journey. I have lost around 46 pounds in the last year. I remember this time last year thinking "If I weighed ______ pounds, I would be soooo happy" Not true. I guess the saying is true, that it doesn't matter what you weigh, if you aren't happy with who you are, you won't be happy with what you look like. I still hate looking in the mirror. I hate what I see. I'm a little concerned that I will never have a "healthy" body image. Will I ever just be happy with me?

It's 6:20 on a Saturday morning. I am really kicking myself for that 3rd drink. I am not a big drinker-it doesn't make much sense to drink alone, so I never really had a chance to do so. I need to get my family up and ready to make the trek to Carson's baseball tournament. I am so proud of him. He tries so hard and is so successful at everything that he does. But, he is also very hard on himself if he feels he has failed at something. He's always been a worrier- he cried on his 3rd birthday because he was closer to dying-my goal for him is to help him enjoy life a little bit more and worry a whole lot less, something I've had to learn to do myself. There is nothing to gain by worrying. It'll all turn out ok in the end.

I've decided to continue to maintain the blog, but I won't be linking it directly any longer. I've decided that those who want to read it will look for it, or choose to follow it, and those are the people who are truly interested in my well being and being supportive of me. The other people who just wanted the latest gossip don't need a direct link to it.

I must admit that I'm a little hurt at how quickly the world jumped to conclusions when they realized that my husband and I are friends on facebook. I feel like I'm having to constantly justify my actions to everyone. We are friends on facebook, it's not like I am proclaiming my love to him for the whole world to see. We have children together and we are stuck having to communicate for the rest of our lives. I think it's also important to point out that you can still love someone even if you don't particularly care for them or their actions. I have spent more than half of my life with this man. Just because we aren't good for each other as husband and wife doesn't mean that we can't remain friends.

I understand it's been a few weeks now and that as time goes on people are less likely to call and check on you every day, that messages don't come as often and people feel like you need them less and less. However, I feel like the moment people saw that we were friends, or heard that he came over to talk on Tuesday evening-that everyone assumes that I have given in and have decided to jump back into this. If you are interested in knowing how it's going-please ask. Do not assume anything and please do not share what you think to be truth with everyone else.

I am not going to put myself or my children in the position to be hurt again. We've come a long way and we know we can make it and that we will be alright. We are going to continue down this path to happiness, the 4 of us. If he finds it in himself to make changes and is able to prove those changes to me and the rest of the world, maybe we'll be a family of 5 again. At this point I'm not holding out hope for miracles. I'm thinking practically and realistically and I am going to enjoy life with my kids.

And now the confusion sets in. I had a few days of being on the go non stop. Then I was home with no plans and had to face reality. The kids were whiney and impossible to please. I would like to hope that this was due to the heat, because I was whiney and hard to please as well. I sunk into a funk where I didn't want to see anyone and really had no desire to talk to anyone either. I could barely get out of my own way. People were worried about me because they hadn't seen me on facebook. I think a few people even thought I had fallen off from the face of the Earth.

Peyton had his first teeball game last night. It was such a hot and miserable day. He felt he should get ready for his game at 9:00 yesterday morning, even though the game wasn't until 5:30. He put on last year's baseball pants which were clearly WAY too small. I tried to encourage him to wear shorts and that I would get him new pants today. He refused. It's teeball, I have to wear my baseball pants. And so he did. He got 2 hits without the tee and his last time at bat he did end up using the tee. It was nearly 100 degrees and humid. I probably would have needed the tee as well.

Peyton wanted daddy to give him a ride home in the big truck. He met me at the store and Peyton got into my car. I handed him Peyton's teeball schedule, Carson's baseball schedule and his copy of the divorce papers. I didn't tell him what I was giving him and there was no conversation. He took the papers and left.

After the kids went to bed he asked if he could come back, that he wanted to talk. He kept saying he was coming to get his wife back, and I said I wanted to talk about what had happened and what was going to happen from this point forward. I admit that I am afraid of his temper and have been programmed to avoid serious issues because he will shut down and run away. I was, at first, afraid to say anything. I was afraid that he would tell me he wouldn't give me any money, and that he would stop coming around the kids.

I was so confused by his actions. He did not get angry. No matter how mean I was, he agreed that he's essentially an ass and that he's failed me and this family on so many levels that he totally understands if I can never forgive him. He offered explanations and admitted things that I've been begging him to admit to forever. He was that man that I've always wanted. The man that would sporadically show up through out my marriage. The man that stayed around long enough for me to remember why I loved him- and then he would leave again.

I am not stupid enough to trust the things he says. I've been down this road before. I know how easy it is to make empty promises. I know for a fact that he is upset by his actions, and I do think that he understands what he's given up, but I'm not sure he's reached a point where he understands so completely that it would never happen again.

I'm afraid of believing him and being hurt again. I've been grieving. It's hard, but it's gotten much better. The kids and I have done a lot of fun things. We have plans to do even more in the very near future. I have learned to appreciate coming home to a quiet, empty (but still clean) house. I'm afraid of what people will say or think. I'm afraid of being the girl who cried wolf.

I know I am a very different person today than I was a year ago, 6 months ago, even 1 month ago. I have discovered strength I never knew existed. I have been pointed in the direction of the Lord and will look to him for advice. I know many people don't believe in continuing to forgive. I know that I've been hurt and I deserve much better than I've had for the last few years. But I also know that I have prayed for him. I have asked the Lord to show him the error of his ways. Who knows if that has happened. I know that I have prayed for guidance and have asked the Lord to show me the path he's laid out for me. I have no idea where that path is going, but I do know that I am not worried. I have no idea what lays ahead, but I know that he knows the way and he will not steer me wrong. I will go about the life that I have with my children. I will live for them and make them happy. I will not waste my time worrying.

The truth hurts.

Life is so exhausting these days. It requires so much energy to not be angry at the world, to not lose control and scream at random strangers who chose my direct line of vision to stand and make out (don't they realize that people in my situation don't want to see that crap? haha) or to take my frustrations out on my children who have chosen this time to test every boundary and every limit I have ever set for them? By the end of the day I am so tired I could cry (and have a few times) and that's when Peyton decides to throw a temper tantrum because he doesn't want to sleep alone and insists that he should be able to stay up until I go to bed. I love them all dearly, but why can't they understand that sometimes mommy just wants to be alone?

We attended "turch" again yesterday. I was shocked at how many people welcomed us and remembered our names from last week. It is truly a very welcoming place. I have found it interesting that this is the time I was pointed in the direction of the church. The Pastor is covering the 10 Commandments over 10 weeks. There have been so many things that he has said in the last two weeks that further prove that I am doing the right thing. I am not crazy for believing that my husband should make time for his family, that I should be the most important person in his life (here on Earth) and that he should treat me as such. I was beginning to think that I was crazy and that I was the only woman on the planet who wanted to see her husband. So many women talk about not being able to wait for the husband to be gone, or to go on that trip, or having the house to themselves, or to go here or there by themselves. I was the complete opposite. I could not wait for mine to be home. Sadly enough, that didn't happen all that often.

We stayed busy the rest of the day. We went to my favorite cousin's for an afternoon of swimming and little 4wheelers and fashion shows and a BBQ with no black hot dogs. It was wonderful to spend the day with family and to watch all of the kids play together. But at the same time, it was unbelievably hard to be around a happy family who have everything I ever wanted. I spend the whole day wondering what is so wrong with me that I couldn't have those things too? All I ever wanted was a happy family in a pretty house. I understand that I was wrong in placing my worth in material things and I believe fully that part of this lesson is that I am supposed to love the simple things in life, that money isn't everything and it certainly can't buy happiness. But where did I go wrong? Were we ever really happy or were we simply going through the motions?

We went to my dad's for a fire and s'mores and the kids got to play with more cousins. They had fun-until Peyton burned his finger on a sparkler. He has always been my sensitive child, but since this whole situation went down, his dramatic antics have gone through the roof. A stubbed toe results in crying and screaming for 5 minutes. He has periods where he "can't walk" and I must carry my 80 pound 5 year old where ever it is that we are going. He can't go to bed alone, he sleeps in my bed every night. We finally returned home nearly 12 hours after leaving. The kids were exhausted, but bedtimes were tested and much crying was involved. I really wasn't cut out to be a single mom.

He sent me a message yesterday saying that he would bring me some money today. I told him to bring whatever he thought was fair. And then he started a fight. He called me on something that I said to one of his friends that was completely true. I admitted that I said it and then said that I was extremely upset and maybe I shouldn't have said it, but I did and there's nothing I can do about it now. And then I said to him "Interesting that you're calling me out for telling the truth, yet I'm not calling you out for some of the disgusting lies you told about me-especially the one where you said I stole $45,000 from your company" and I got "we are done here. bye" Of course we are. This is how every problem has ever been dealt with. Misty has an issue, tries to talk about it, he doesn't feel like dealing with it, or is mad about what I am about to talk about and he takes off for hours or days at a time and refuses to answer me. I will not get sucked back into his games. I don't have to sit by and wait for him to decide that I should be over it by now. It's exhausting to not be steaming mad at him. I'm sure he won't bring money to me now. I'm sure that was part of the plan. Oh well, it will only hurt him in the end. I am content with the choice that I have made. And I was reminded last night that the truth only hurts to those who lie.

Lobster?

I was like a child on Christmas morning. I was wide awake before 5-unable to sleep because I was so excited to make my trip to Juan's house yesterday. We have gone to the beach on July 3 every year (except one) since 2003. The story of our first beach trip includes a car accident, an insurance claim, driving a standard for the first time and being yelled at for going too fast within a state park. We have celebrated this anniversary each year. With the events of the last two weeks, I was so upset thinking that I would have to cancel this year's beach trip. Then I got a sudden burst of "I can do this" and made arrangements for him to come see the kids yesterday and I drove to Juan. It was the first time I've driven on the highway alone. It was fairly uneventful. Well, except for the "dinging" GPS each time my speed was higher than 68 mph and the idiot who almost killed me in Portland, but other than that-I made it! And it took less than two hours. I so enjoyed my day on the beach. I was in heaven laying on that blanket. I don't get to see Juan all that often, but when we are together it's like we see each other every day. I love her and I miss her like crazy and I am so sad that she grew up and moved away.

I took the kids to the fireworks. By 9:00 I was exhausted and my day at the beach had resulted in my skin looking the color of a cooked lobster. My patience was wearing thin. The kids were tired, they had clearly missed me, and it seems that it's going to be a rough transition going from being with daddy to being with mommy. At least for a little bit. That makes me sad, but I understand that that is how it is going to be. I've heard horror stories from moms saying "oh, he just got back from his dad's. It takes me all week to get him back to normal, and then it's time for him to go visit again." I am so not looking forward to having that problem.

I had to deal with a rollercoaster of emotions yesterday. He looked like he hadn't slept in days when he showed up. I asked him if he'd had a rough night. I would love to think he had stayed awake mourning this loss just as I have for so many nights, but I know that he was at a party with some of his friends. He questioned my reasoning for going to dinner after going to the funeral home the night before. Really? I don't remember asking you to explain why you eat...hmmm. Interesting. He told me he loves me, twice. And he tried to hug me. I think he's starting to realize that I am seriously done with this and he's scared. I don't think he's scared enough to change his ways. I don't think he's hit that lowest low yet. I think he feels bad-but I don't think he realizes what a horrible mistake he made. I told him I thought that I at least deserved to sit and talk with him face to face-that I refused to have this discussion through text messages, that we've swept our problems under the rug for 10 years because he didn't feel like dealing with them. If he didn't feel like talking about it, he would leave and not come back until he thought I had gotten over it. I didn't give him the papers. I don't know why. Or maybe I do. I think I'm afraid that he will stop seeing the kids. I would really like to hope that that will not be the case, but you never know.

Today I have a very busy day, but nothing tomorrow. The busy days are fine. The not busy days, not so much. Maybe tomorrow will be the day that I rekindle my relationship with Jillian. It has been nearly a month since we've spent any time together and it's quite obvious.

Finding Strength & Giving Support.

Yesterday was a day about finding strength. I did not want to do anything except lay in bed. As I was laying here-my cellphone kept telling me I was receiving messages. I couldn't even bring myself to roll over and see who they were from. Since Facebook is blocked at work I signed up for text alerts (sorry!) After about the 6th message, I decided that I should probably let people know I wasn't dead. As I was reading my messages I was kicking myself for being such a brat. Each and every one of the people sending me messages genuinely care about me and were worried about me and I was laying in bed feeling bad for myself. I even told Jeannie that I wasn't leaving my bed, that I was going to avoid the day. And in true Jeannie fashion she told me it wasn't an option-to get my tush out of bed and bring the youngest 2 to her so I could take Carson to the doctor. I obeyed. Jeannie does know what is best for me, after all. I found the strength to get out of bed and face the day.

I could tell that Carson was having one of those days as well. His doctor's appointment was going well until they ask THOSE questions: "How is everything at home? How's your family? Everyone getting along ok?" We both cried. This poor woman just saw me last Tuesday with Isabelle and I told her then that everything was fine. My how things can change in 10 days time. She gave me a list of counselors in the area who specialize in this issue-with children especially. We wiped our tears, we found our strength and we may have even laughed before we left the office. Then I bought him a watermelon coollatta and everything was ok again.

I spent the rest of the day preparing for his visit with the kids at 5. Of course I picked up and cleaned a little. I didn't want him to think that his leaving me had rendered me useless and had turned me into a slob. I was also preparing myself for a long walk with Jeannie. I hadn't participated in physical activity for a long time and really wondered how I was going to make it-especially since I really haven't been able to give my body much fuel. He came-I left. We exchanged brief pleasantries and nothing more. It was awkward to be in the same room as the man that I have loved for half of my life. It hurt more than anything to see that he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. I don't care that I haven't worn mine in over 2 weeks. He was the one who hurt me, he should still be wearing his. But he wasn't, and there was no point in making a big deal about it. I left him with a 9 year old who is dealing with his hurt by hiding in video games, a 5 year old who was passed out with a fever and a 2 year old who was having a foot stomping, breath holding temper tantrum. I got in my car and left. And I stayed gone for over 3 hours. I made it through the walk, I spent time with friends, I signed Carson up for football camp and I stopped at Hannaford-infant's Motrin really doesn't work on an 80 pound 5 year old. When I returned, there was little conversation and he left. I thought "Hey, I can handle this"

I thought I had found a lot of strength over the course of the day. That strength was tested after he left. The text messages that followed were full of promises that can't be kept, not very nice words and implications. I made the point multiple times that I will not be hurt like this again. I am starting to feel ok and I am only going forward, I will not go backward. I will communicate, but I will not argue. I will be respectful and I expect him to do the same. I guess I had found more strength than I thought I did.

I did not make this choice. I am doing what I feel to be the right thing to do. I am looking to the Lord for guidance. He is revealing to me which way to go. He knows the way, he isn't showing me the entire path, but he's certainly showing me that I need to move forward. I am doing things for myself, by myself and it feels good. Any changes need to be made, and then proven. I refuse to take his word for truth anymore.

Yesterday was about finding strength and today will be about lending support. I am going somewhere I never ever go. I will be giving my support to a dear friend who lost his father earlier this week. I have never been able to handle death. I avoid visiting hours and funerals at all costs. I have always felt like I was intruding on a time of mourning and sorrow. Now I realize that that is when people need to feel loved and cared for the most. I may not be very strong myself right now, but this is one more big girl step that I must take.