Here I am, again

It's been a few months and if I'm back, that generally means that things have gone to hell in a hand basket. When I feel sorry for myself, I come back here and read all of the horrible, heartbreaking posts from last year. Yes, I like to review my past pity parties to make sure that the one I'm currently having for myself is worthy of me.

Looks like I'm destined to spend another summer single. Don't people realize that summer is not the best time to leave me to my own devices? I have too much unstructured time and do ridiculous things. I really don't even want to relive some of the indiscretions of last summer. In my defense though-most of those occurred under the influence of alcohol so I'm going to stand by the fact that I can not be held accountable for my actions.

More than that though, I get lonely. After the kids go to bed and the house is unbelievably quiet-there is no one to turn to for conversation, for support, for a laugh or to get me a drink of water. There's no one to laugh at my ridiculous tears anytime someone gets married, has a baby, dies, cries, gets into an argument or wins something on TV. There's nobody there who gets me and knows just what I need when I need it.

I have learned a lot in the last 9 months. I've learned about trust and faith and courage. I've learned that not everyone is mean and hateful, that sometimes others do care. I've learned that I can do just about anything I need to do in order to survive-except kill spiders or hornets. I'll still call my parents for that. I've managed to maintain a home on my own for almost an entire year. I've taken huge steps and learned a lot about myself.

I've also learned that the only person you can control in a relationship is yourself. You can't control how your partner feels or will react. I've learned that 2 people can love each other, but might not be able to maintain a relationship. I've learned that "you can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons and in a moment they can choose to walk away...Love them anyway"

I've learned what I want out of life, what I value in a partner and what I deserve in this life. I've learned that it's easier to walk away from someone you despise than from someone you love...but sometimes you have no choice.

I've also learned that I really like beer...and bacon. But that's neither here nor there. I can thank Lee for a lot of things, but my hips and my thighs refuse to thank him for those 2 diet killing items.

I know I'll be ok-I understand this was a learning experience. I don't know what lesson I was supposed to learn from this-maybe it'll make sense to me someday. Until then I'll look back fondly on the last 9 months. It was one hell of a ride...and in the words of Garth Brooks "I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance"