Christmas has come and gone. Overall this Christmas was the best Christmas I've had in a long time. I was able to relax and enjoy the days of celebration with my family. I didn't freak out about the kids making a mess, the tree is still up in the living room and there was no fighting. But there were a lot of tears. I was an emotional mess because everything was so different. My sister wasn't home, my brother didn't come down Christmas morning, my cousins and aunt and uncle didn't attend the party, my family was entirely different. There had been so many changes all at once that it was like it wasn't even the same celebration.

I was an emotional mess because of all of the changes and because I'm so unbelievably happy with my new life. BUT- I'm so happy that I'm wondering when it's all going to come crashing down. This all seems way too good to be true. I honestly don't feel like I deserve the wonderfulness that I am living. I feel like my emotional meltdowns are going to drive him away. I feel like I cry daily and can't really explain to him exactly why I'm crying. He thinks that there is something wrong and I try to explain that I'm not crying because something's wrong, but because everything is right. It's so frustrating to be the girl who cries all the time.

I'm feeling unbelievably insecure today and am really feeling like I need a ton of reassurance and really don't know how to find it without seeming like a whiney brat. I feel like I've heard the line "my phone is dying. I'm going to turn it off till I leave work, I'll call you when I get home" a million times. I didn't sleep well and the phone call never came. Apparently he didn't get home from work until 1 am. I know in my heart that he is an unbelievably honest person and has never given me any reason to not trust him-unfortunately my mind likes to play games with me and convince me of things that I know aren't true. I can't punish him and make him pay for Vern's mistakes forever. I wonder if I'll ever get to a place where I can trust people. I really don't want to feel this way forever.