Today will be a rant about something else. My body. I know I should be proud of the progress I've made in the last year. I know I should focus on the positive changes that I've made and of how much healthier I am than I was 18 months ago-but I'm finding that to be a bigger challenge now than it's ever been. I remember looking in the mirror in August of 2009 weighing nearly 200 pounds and crying. I remember wondering how I allowed myself to get to that point and I remember promising myself that I would again weigh 145 pounds and then I would be happy. Well, now 15 months later I weigh less than the 145 pound goal I set for myself and wouldn't you know it-I'm still not happy.

I know that my body looks totally different than it did before. I am aware that I wore a size 6 skirt to our Thanksgiving dinner-and a size small shirt. I am aware that the sweat pants I wore on Sunday were a small. I know for a fact that my clothing is smaller- I just don't really feel like my body is any smaller. I look in the mirror each morning and see my jiggily thighs, my flabby arms, my squishy stomach. I look in the mirror and I still want to cry. I stand in the shower and obsess over the fact that my thighs touch each other. I HATE the fact that I have such a poor body image. I am disgusted by the fact that I place such value on a number on the scale. And I hate even more that these feelings of disgust and hatred don't help me to eat better or to work out more.

I hate that I can't be happy with who I am. I hate that I can't look in the mirror and find anything that I like about myself. I hate that I look at pictures of myself and even though I'm 60 pounds lighter than I was 15 months ago-I still feel like a huge, fat, disgusting disgrace.

I made a deal with myself last Monday that I was going to go an entire week without saying anything negative about my body. And I did. I made it an entire week. But now it's day 8 and I looked in the mirror this morning and wanted to cry- again. I am so irritated with my inability to find something positive about my appearance.