I went to church today.

It was something I had wanted to do for quite some time, but wasn't really sure how to take the first step. I am 29 years old and have never been to church a day in my life. I believe in God and believe that we are never given more than we can handle, and that everything happens for a reason, and that our journey in life was mapped out for us before we were born-that no matter what happens, it was our destiny. That's the easy part. Around Easter time (I know you're laughing Jess) I realized just how ignorant I really was.

It was Good Friday and I had a student ask "Hey, isn't today a Holiday? Why are we here today?" I explained that it was Good Friday, and that school isn't closed on Good Friday. The discussion that followed really doesn't paint me in a very nice light, but man was it funny. The student wanted to know what Good Friday was. I explained it was the Friday before Easter. He looked at me like I had 13 heads and I'm sure he was thinking something along the lines of "Wow, woman, you are an idiot" I had NO IDEA what Good Friday was. Clearly this is something I should have picked up somewhere along the way, right? I mean-I know why we celebrate Christmas and I know why we celebrate Easter, but why Good Friday? I admit I BS'd my way through an introduction while I Googled (Yes, I Googled) what Good Friday was and was able to pull together a very quick explanation by reading out of the corner of my eye. I felt like an idiot.

It was that moment that I realized I would like to be educated about Christ and about the Bible. The desire to know Christ didn't come for a bit longer, but it came. I was unsure about how to go about picking a church. Is it like shopping for shoes? You just pick one out and try it on and if it doesn't fit or feel comfortable you just move on to the next one? To be totally honest I had no idea what happened inside the walls of a church. I was scared to take that first step.

I asked around, did some research and decided that today I would attend my very first church service. My sister in law and her family were even going to drive 2 hours to come with me. And then I made a million excuses for why I shouldn't go. I wouldn't be ready in time, it was hot, I didn't know anyone there, I knew too many people there-the list went on and on and on. Thankfully Jess gave me that final push out the door. In typical Misty fashion we were late and I was in a panic. My first time going to church and I was going to get there late. How would he feel about that? I was sure it would be a disgrace. Luckily as I pulled in-others were too and I didn't feel quite so bad. Then, about half way across the parking lot, I stopped. I was certain that I wouldn't be able to do it. I thought that without a doubt the entire congregation would turn and look at me and wonder what I was doing there. Of course, I finished that trek across the parking lot-found a seat near the back and I made it through.

Peyton had a blast-went up for the Children's Message and even went down to Children's Church on his own. He can't wait to go back to "turch" Carson was very unsure and didn't leave my side, but I did see him singing along a few times. And Isabelle, well-she was Isabelle. She picked the worst times to "dickle, dickle, dickle" her brother and was more than vocal during prayer, but we made it through and nobody looked at us like we were aliens-and I think we'll go back.

I felt like today was a big step in a new direction for us. I am still sad. I am still wondering where he is and who he is with and I don't know how long I will feel that way. I am afraid that I will feel that way forever. I am afraid that I will never be able to move on-that I will spend eternity wondering. I know that probably isn't the case-it's only been a week-and that as time passes I will spend less of my time worrying, but for right now it's hard. It's hard to think about the times we had conversations about those people who had affairs and how horrible it was for all parties involved. It's hard to think about the promises that were made. It's hard to think about our marriage vows and our promise to "love, honor and cherish" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to each other until parted by death" and how easily those were broken. I refuse to play the blame game. I know that we both made mistakes and I accept responsibility for my part. All I ever asked for was communication and all I ever got in return was avoidance. I filled out the papers tonight and tomorrow I have the distraction of going to work and I am comforted by the advice of my wise friend - it's not that I meant so little to him, it's that he means so much to himself.

Maybe God will work a miracle and he will become a changed man and years down the road everyone will dance at our second wedding, but for right now I am looking to my future and all I see is one happy mommy with 3 happy babies and that's good enough for me.