Two momentous things happened today. I woke up. Yes, I slept. I laid in my bed at 1:00 and I woke up at 6:00. I was shocked. And then when I woke up I went through the morning ritual of going to the bathroom (TMI) standing on the scale. (The number keeps going down, at a rate that is a bit alarming), making the bed and making a cup of coffee. And I didn't cry. I got through the first 10 minutes of my morning routine without crying. I then realized it was bizarre that I hadn't received any calls, messages or notifications on my cell. I called the number and sure enough, he's disconnected it. A bump in the road-but I'll get over it. I have connections at Verizon ;) or I'll make do without one. After all, having a cell phone is not a necessity. And I still hadn't cried. Then I sat down at the computer, and I cried.

A very wise woman told me that it's ok to cry. That divorce is similar to death, it is the passing of everything that I have known and loved for many years and that I need to mourn this passing, just as I would any other death. And since I trust this woman, and I know that she's been down this path herself I am going to do just that. I am going to deal with the emotions as they come. Sometimes I will be sad, sometimes I will be relieved that the suffering is over and sometimes I will actually smile and be able to laugh without feeling like I am somehow being dishonorable to my suffering. Afterall-it is my marriage that has passed away, not me, and certainly not my life. I need to stay alive and stay strong for my 3 babies who are going to be scared, sad and confused and who are going to need me more than they've ever needed me.

I realized late last night that even though I thought of myself as a strong woman, I have, in fact been very weak. I have allowed my husband to control every aspect of our lives. He dealt with the bank, he dealt with the creditors, he dealt with the cellphone company, he dealt with things that I didn't feel like dealing with. Mostly because I don't like talking to people that I don't know. Today I take a big step. I am going to go somewhere I have never been and I am going to take care of some business of my own. I'm sure I will not be able to go alone, but I will go. And I will be able to accomplish this task because I have faith. I have faith that Jesus will be watching over me.
Psalm 56:3-4
When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?