The truth hurts.

Life is so exhausting these days. It requires so much energy to not be angry at the world, to not lose control and scream at random strangers who chose my direct line of vision to stand and make out (don't they realize that people in my situation don't want to see that crap? haha) or to take my frustrations out on my children who have chosen this time to test every boundary and every limit I have ever set for them? By the end of the day I am so tired I could cry (and have a few times) and that's when Peyton decides to throw a temper tantrum because he doesn't want to sleep alone and insists that he should be able to stay up until I go to bed. I love them all dearly, but why can't they understand that sometimes mommy just wants to be alone?

We attended "turch" again yesterday. I was shocked at how many people welcomed us and remembered our names from last week. It is truly a very welcoming place. I have found it interesting that this is the time I was pointed in the direction of the church. The Pastor is covering the 10 Commandments over 10 weeks. There have been so many things that he has said in the last two weeks that further prove that I am doing the right thing. I am not crazy for believing that my husband should make time for his family, that I should be the most important person in his life (here on Earth) and that he should treat me as such. I was beginning to think that I was crazy and that I was the only woman on the planet who wanted to see her husband. So many women talk about not being able to wait for the husband to be gone, or to go on that trip, or having the house to themselves, or to go here or there by themselves. I was the complete opposite. I could not wait for mine to be home. Sadly enough, that didn't happen all that often.

We stayed busy the rest of the day. We went to my favorite cousin's for an afternoon of swimming and little 4wheelers and fashion shows and a BBQ with no black hot dogs. It was wonderful to spend the day with family and to watch all of the kids play together. But at the same time, it was unbelievably hard to be around a happy family who have everything I ever wanted. I spend the whole day wondering what is so wrong with me that I couldn't have those things too? All I ever wanted was a happy family in a pretty house. I understand that I was wrong in placing my worth in material things and I believe fully that part of this lesson is that I am supposed to love the simple things in life, that money isn't everything and it certainly can't buy happiness. But where did I go wrong? Were we ever really happy or were we simply going through the motions?

We went to my dad's for a fire and s'mores and the kids got to play with more cousins. They had fun-until Peyton burned his finger on a sparkler. He has always been my sensitive child, but since this whole situation went down, his dramatic antics have gone through the roof. A stubbed toe results in crying and screaming for 5 minutes. He has periods where he "can't walk" and I must carry my 80 pound 5 year old where ever it is that we are going. He can't go to bed alone, he sleeps in my bed every night. We finally returned home nearly 12 hours after leaving. The kids were exhausted, but bedtimes were tested and much crying was involved. I really wasn't cut out to be a single mom.

He sent me a message yesterday saying that he would bring me some money today. I told him to bring whatever he thought was fair. And then he started a fight. He called me on something that I said to one of his friends that was completely true. I admitted that I said it and then said that I was extremely upset and maybe I shouldn't have said it, but I did and there's nothing I can do about it now. And then I said to him "Interesting that you're calling me out for telling the truth, yet I'm not calling you out for some of the disgusting lies you told about me-especially the one where you said I stole $45,000 from your company" and I got "we are done here. bye" Of course we are. This is how every problem has ever been dealt with. Misty has an issue, tries to talk about it, he doesn't feel like dealing with it, or is mad about what I am about to talk about and he takes off for hours or days at a time and refuses to answer me. I will not get sucked back into his games. I don't have to sit by and wait for him to decide that I should be over it by now. It's exhausting to not be steaming mad at him. I'm sure he won't bring money to me now. I'm sure that was part of the plan. Oh well, it will only hurt him in the end. I am content with the choice that I have made. And I was reminded last night that the truth only hurts to those who lie.