And now the confusion sets in. I had a few days of being on the go non stop. Then I was home with no plans and had to face reality. The kids were whiney and impossible to please. I would like to hope that this was due to the heat, because I was whiney and hard to please as well. I sunk into a funk where I didn't want to see anyone and really had no desire to talk to anyone either. I could barely get out of my own way. People were worried about me because they hadn't seen me on facebook. I think a few people even thought I had fallen off from the face of the Earth.

Peyton had his first teeball game last night. It was such a hot and miserable day. He felt he should get ready for his game at 9:00 yesterday morning, even though the game wasn't until 5:30. He put on last year's baseball pants which were clearly WAY too small. I tried to encourage him to wear shorts and that I would get him new pants today. He refused. It's teeball, I have to wear my baseball pants. And so he did. He got 2 hits without the tee and his last time at bat he did end up using the tee. It was nearly 100 degrees and humid. I probably would have needed the tee as well.

Peyton wanted daddy to give him a ride home in the big truck. He met me at the store and Peyton got into my car. I handed him Peyton's teeball schedule, Carson's baseball schedule and his copy of the divorce papers. I didn't tell him what I was giving him and there was no conversation. He took the papers and left.

After the kids went to bed he asked if he could come back, that he wanted to talk. He kept saying he was coming to get his wife back, and I said I wanted to talk about what had happened and what was going to happen from this point forward. I admit that I am afraid of his temper and have been programmed to avoid serious issues because he will shut down and run away. I was, at first, afraid to say anything. I was afraid that he would tell me he wouldn't give me any money, and that he would stop coming around the kids.

I was so confused by his actions. He did not get angry. No matter how mean I was, he agreed that he's essentially an ass and that he's failed me and this family on so many levels that he totally understands if I can never forgive him. He offered explanations and admitted things that I've been begging him to admit to forever. He was that man that I've always wanted. The man that would sporadically show up through out my marriage. The man that stayed around long enough for me to remember why I loved him- and then he would leave again.

I am not stupid enough to trust the things he says. I've been down this road before. I know how easy it is to make empty promises. I know for a fact that he is upset by his actions, and I do think that he understands what he's given up, but I'm not sure he's reached a point where he understands so completely that it would never happen again.

I'm afraid of believing him and being hurt again. I've been grieving. It's hard, but it's gotten much better. The kids and I have done a lot of fun things. We have plans to do even more in the very near future. I have learned to appreciate coming home to a quiet, empty (but still clean) house. I'm afraid of what people will say or think. I'm afraid of being the girl who cried wolf.

I know I am a very different person today than I was a year ago, 6 months ago, even 1 month ago. I have discovered strength I never knew existed. I have been pointed in the direction of the Lord and will look to him for advice. I know many people don't believe in continuing to forgive. I know that I've been hurt and I deserve much better than I've had for the last few years. But I also know that I have prayed for him. I have asked the Lord to show him the error of his ways. Who knows if that has happened. I know that I have prayed for guidance and have asked the Lord to show me the path he's laid out for me. I have no idea where that path is going, but I do know that I am not worried. I have no idea what lays ahead, but I know that he knows the way and he will not steer me wrong. I will go about the life that I have with my children. I will live for them and make them happy. I will not waste my time worrying.