I hate you

Today I would like to say a great big huge "I hate you" to my insecurities. I hate the fact that I can't believe things that in my heart I know to be true. I hate that my brain tries to deceive me and get me to believe things I know can't possibly be. I really wish that I could go through each day without this sinking feeling in my stomach. I wish I wasn't constantly waiting for the next huge disappointment. I hate that I can't believe in myself and can't trust that people might actually like me.

I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that I was destined to go through what I went through in order to make me appreciate what I do have. I know that I am learning a lesson in trust and in faith. I know that I should believe in myself, and I should believe him and I should trust in God, but after the life I've lived-it's hard to trust anyone.

I really wish I could be a self confident, self assured woman who never wondered if people were being truthful and honest. I wish I could wake up every morning KNOWING that everything was going to be ok. I wish that could just trust that God knows what he's doing.

I feel like I'm never quite good enough. I'm not the prettiest, the funniest, the smartest. I'm not the best at anything that I do. I'm just an average human being who wants nothing more than to make the people she loves happy and most days I feel like a horrible failure. I know that life isn't a competition and that there will always be somebody faster, smarter, prettier, funnier-but just once I would like to be told I was the best at something.

I hope that someday I will be able to look in the mirror and be ok with what I see. I hope that someday I will look at myself and believe that other people can and do like me, but looking at myself right now it doesn't seem like that day will come anytime soon.