Ugh. Monday

I have decided I really dislike Mondays. I've always kind of had that "I really don't want to go back to work" feeling-mostly because of how hectic my days (and evenings and nights) are during the work week, but now I dislike them for an entirely different reason. He leaves on Mondays. I really don't like seeing him pack up his clothes, I hate saying good bye at 5 am and I despise hearing his truck back out of my driveway. I don't like all of those things because I know that it'll be 5 days before I get to see him again.

I have spent a lot of time figuring out if this is what I really want. Do I only want a weekend relationship. And the answer overwhelmingly is I'd rather have him 3 days a week than 0 days a week. I have gone over this a million times and I am positive that I am happy with our relationship. I have imagined how it would feel if he were gone and I was scared with the answer. I realized that I have allowed myself to feel for another human being. I have allowed him access to my heart, to my mind-to everything that I am. I realized that I am in love with this man. The man who tries harder than anyone I know to make me happy. The man who fixes things that have been broken for years. The man who will give my kids piggy back rides, lets them steal his socks, spins them in circles, who will wrestle and will try out all of the greatest "finishers." The man who watches me cry and lets me see that it hurts him. The man who understands my love of Christmas. The man who calls me every night before bed and talks to me for an hour.

Now that I know that I love this man-I have an even bigger problem. I refuse to be the one to say it first. I need to hear it from him so that I know he means it-so I know he isn't just saying it back. My heart aches to tell him just how much he means to me. I want so badly to tell him-but I know that saying it at the wrong time could ruin everything we have and I really do not want to do that. I can not count the number of times I have said it to a closing door after he's gone through it, or as I've watched his truck drive away, but I know with absolute certainty that I mean it.

I hate Mondays because that is one more missed opportunity-and because I know that I have to wait 5 more days for another chance.