It's amazing how quickly a day can go from wonderful to all wrong. Thanksgiving was everything I had hoped it would be. I started out the day so very thankful for everything that I have. I am thankful for the changes I have made, thankful for the people I get to surround myself with, I am thankful for my childrens' laughter, the list goes on and on and on. Dinner was wonderful. I am glad I got to share it with people that I love. I will admit I was unbelievably nervous having invited my new friend to spend the holiday with us. I was afraid I would mess up the food, or he'd laugh at my improvisation with the chairs, or that any number of things would go wrong. In the end-only the sink broke. Which he was wonderful enough to fix for me.

After everything was cleaned up and there was no evidence remaining that this thing we called Thanksgiving had even existed, we all sat down in the living room for some Mythbusters and football. And then everything went to hell. His phone rang. He ignored a phone call. He clicked "listen to voicemail later" and a flood of emotions came rushing back. I sat on the couch and cried. Huge tears rolling down my face because of that one action. Not because he ignored the phone call-but because I realized how much he truly matters to me. I realized that I have let myself feel for him, allowed him into my heart and I realized how much it would kill me if he were to hurt me the way my ex-husband had hurt me. I recalled numerous times we'd be at a restaurant, driving down the road, spending time together as a family and his phone would ring and he'd ignore it. Not because he didn't want to be bothered, but because it was one of his other women. It took awhile for me to be able to explain this to the new friend-mainly because I didn't really know how to go about explaining it to him. But I did and I felt a little better. Then anxiety set in and I thought "am I going to drive him away? Will my insecurities scare him? Will they make me not worth the effort?" He says he understands. He says it's ok and that I don't need to apologize. I really want to believe him-but trust is hard to rebuild. I know with each passing day that he's gone I learn to trust a little more-and each time he comes back-I learn to trust even more than when he's gone. I know eventually one day I will be "normal" again. Afterall-it took a long time to "ruin" me and it's going to take even longer to "fix" me. I just hope that he thinks I'm special enough for him to stick around and see me fixed...