And I did not cry

Yesterday was about healing. I was able to take a few bites of food, I had slept for 7 entire hours. I swept my house for the first time in nearly a week. Having 3 kids and a dog who sheds constantly you can only imagine what these floors looked like. I did the dishes, I bathed the kids. It was like a normal day around here. And I did not cry.

The phone rang many, many times. I was so moved by the outpouring of support that I have and the number of people who are proud of me and are confident that I will get through this not only alive, but stronger. I talked to people. I talked about my plans, I talked about my past. I took my kids to see their cousins and to go swimming for the day. I smiled, I laughed, I enjoyed myself and I enjoyed my kids. And I did not cry.

Finally after 3 days with no contact, he sent me a message saying he would meet me to sign the papers and wanted to make arrangements to see the kids. I was happy that he finally realized that he needs to be there for them. I will admit that it was hard for me to keep the conversation on track. It was nearly impossible to not mention all of the hurt that he has caused me, but we spoke about the kids and came up with a plan for him to see them. We did not talk about us and I realized that we would be able to be parents to our children, just parents that live in two different places. I admit that it hurt to realize I'm going to have to share my kids-that the image that I had always had of Thanksgivings around the big dining room table and Christmas morning under the Christmas tree-was not going to be how it was for us. I wanted so badly for my family to be the one that made it-despite everything we had working against us. I had seen so many families go through horrible times and make it out stronger in the end. I had seen men and women deal with the same issues and still be in love with each other 20 years later. Everyone always told me that year 7 was the worst and if you can make it through that-you can make it through anything. Unfortunately I am 51 days from my 8th anniversary. I guess I never made it through year 7.

I know with absolute certainty that I tried my hardest, that I fought for what was important and I never gave up hope. Even in times of complete darkness I looked for any little spot of light I could find. I had faith that we'd make it, that we weren't going to be a statistic, that just because we were young parents and married young didn't mean we were destined for divorce. We weren't those people. We were stronger than them and we had proved everyone wrong for a very long time.

I see now that I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. I was blind to a lot of things, I ignored a lot of things and I refused to acknowledge things that were right in front of my face. I didn't want to see them and admit that we might not make it through. I thought, naively, that if I ignored the problems they would go away. Unfortunately that just makes the problems bigger and harder to deal with in the end. But at the end of the day-I made it through and I did not cry.