Yesterday seems like it was a blur. I had to get up and go to work. Generally that means a day full of distractions. Not so much yesterday. We were placing students into their math classes for next year. Not enough to keep my mind from wandering. Add to that seeing people and it made for an emotional day.

As I was driving to work, I was reminded of those commercials from a few years ago about quitting smoking. You know the ones where the woman can't back her car out of the driveway, or the person is making eggs and cracks it directly onto the burner and the message was something about having to learn a new routine? I realized that was part of my sadness. It was very rare for Vern to be home when I got up in the morning, but I usually sent him a text before I even got out of bed. I would text him a million times a day. I would plan dinner around his arrival time, wait for him to put the kids to bed. If it so happened that he was still gone when I went to bed I would call him and then undoubtedly I'd get the "Good night babe. Get some rest, I'll see you tomorrow" text no longer than 3 minutes after hanging up. Now none of those things happen. Nobody to text good morning and nobody to text good night. Nobody to go check to see what that noise was, nobody to let the dog out one more time because I'm afraid of the dark and nobody to make sure I am ok.

I had sent him a message on Sunday telling him I would be at work if he wanted to come take a shower and get some more clothes while I wasn't around. When I got home he had left me a note and had left my wedding/engagement rings on the counter. He had taken them when he left and I was certain I'd never see them again. Just earlier in the day I had looked at the picture of me proudly holding my first fishing license and was thinking how beautiful those rings were. I was horribly sad seeing them sitting on the counter.

The entire day was full of sadness. I was sad thinking that it was really over. I was sad thinking that maybe I'm making a horrible mistake. I was sad thinking that maybe I'd give him another chance-only to cause myself more pain in the end. I was sad thinking that he wouldn't want me to give him another chance.

I talked to him briefly. Not with my voice, but through texts. I talked to my mom. I talked to my very special cousin who I am lucky to have in my life again. I talked to Jeannie. I talked and talked and talked and none of it made me feel better. I came to a few realizations though.
1) My brother's issues mean he has to stay at my mom's right now. That means it wasn't meant for us to stay there.
2) I realized how impersonal texting really is. You can say whatever you want and the person on the receiving end has no idea if you are being truthful or not. They can say what you want to hear, they can say what they believe to be true. And sometimes the receiving party takes the messages to mean something totally different than they were intended.
3) I was one of those people who believed that technology was fantastic and it wasn't really going to harm society. Maybe because I was a teenager when the internet was becoming the next big thing? Yes, it's fantastic that I have the world at my fingertips, that I can find out anything I need to know by pressing a few keys on the keyboard, that I can begin this journey of healing by writing this. But it also makes it way too easy for vulnerable people to do immoral things. Morals and manners seem to be a thing of the past. I can't change the whole world, but I can teach my own children and I can do the best I can with the kids who come through my classroom daily.
4) I believe that it was fate that brought me to Jeannie's daycare that day in August of 2004. I had just graduated from college, had started my first job and was in desperate need of daycare for my child (hard to believe I only had 1 then!) My stepmother called me at work and gave me Jeannie's name. We went to visit and the rest is history. We often joke about the fact that it was after 5 and I dragged Carson out of there kicking and screaming under my arm. Maybe the reason for Jeannie's suffering all those years ago was so that she would be the strong motivator to help me through this? Who knows, but I know I am beyond thankful we went to visit 6 years ago.

I am still sad today. My heart still hurts. I see that I could easily sit in my little corner of the couch all day long and cry. I think it would be entirely too possible. He told me he loved me last night. I told him I would always love him, but that we have pretty crappy ways of showing each other that love. I told him actions speak louder than words and that he is being ruled by Satan right now. I read some of my bible last night. Peyton asked if he could have a bible too. He sent his very first text message. He knew how to spell all of the words all by himself. We are all growing and changing. We will all be different in the end.

As I was reading last night I came across this statement: Matthew 6:27 "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life" I realized how much of my life I have spent worrying. Worry about bills and worrying about how things would turn out, worrying about when the next argument was going to happen, worrying about what people thought of me, worrying about everything. In the end the Lord always provided, and made everything ok. I guess now is the time that I realize I need to put my faith in the Lord, for he knows my path. My goal is to spend less time worrying as it does not add hours, but instead it subtracts. I will have faith that he is showing me the way and I will be thankful for what I have.