It's been awhile and I don't even know where to start. We had an exciting week around here. We went to Funtown/Splashtown for the day. We went to the beach, we played in our pool, we visited with friends. And we whined and we cried and we threw fit after fit after fit. It seemed like no matter what I did for and with these kids this week, it wasn't what they wanted or it wasn't good enough or they were mad because of something they didn't get to do. The 3 of them fight over my iPod at least 36 times every day. They spent the entire day at the "nocean" today, yet there were still huge tears and temper tantrums when they couldn't go swimming in the pool. They fought bed time and made me feel pretty crappy in general.

My husband attempted to win me over by asking me if he could take me on a "halfassed" date to use his exact words. I said that I would prefer he give me money to pay bills or support the kids instead of taking me out to dinner, which was apparently not the correct thing to say. I haven't heard from him since. Still no money, still no divorce papers and still no answers.

While laying on the beach on Thursday I started laughing. I had this realization that I hadn't died, that I was the same woman who was a zombie just one month ago, unsure if I would be able to survive. I had in fact survived, I had grown stronger and I was having fun. I am still having fun. I'm able to smile, and I'm able to laugh. I'm able to have a good time with my friends and my family without worrying when the argument will start. But I'm also getting really good at hiding the hurt. It's still painful each and every day. I look at my kids and wonder how the hell he can just walk away from them and not care. I listen to my daughter cry for him almost every night-and I have no answer for where her daddy is. I see my boys being angry and hurt and confused and there is nothing that I can say to make it better. I cry because it's not fair. It's not fair that I am here being the parent to these children day in and day out. It's not fair that he doesn't have to shoulder any of the responsibility-that he can just up and walk away with no regard for anything. It's unfair that he isn't helping me support these children financially. It's unfair that this was what he wanted-freedom to do as he pleased-and now that I'm trying to give it to him he's refusing to let it happen. I don't understand any of this. I'm not sure that I ever will.