Lobster?

I was like a child on Christmas morning. I was wide awake before 5-unable to sleep because I was so excited to make my trip to Juan's house yesterday. We have gone to the beach on July 3 every year (except one) since 2003. The story of our first beach trip includes a car accident, an insurance claim, driving a standard for the first time and being yelled at for going too fast within a state park. We have celebrated this anniversary each year. With the events of the last two weeks, I was so upset thinking that I would have to cancel this year's beach trip. Then I got a sudden burst of "I can do this" and made arrangements for him to come see the kids yesterday and I drove to Juan. It was the first time I've driven on the highway alone. It was fairly uneventful. Well, except for the "dinging" GPS each time my speed was higher than 68 mph and the idiot who almost killed me in Portland, but other than that-I made it! And it took less than two hours. I so enjoyed my day on the beach. I was in heaven laying on that blanket. I don't get to see Juan all that often, but when we are together it's like we see each other every day. I love her and I miss her like crazy and I am so sad that she grew up and moved away.

I took the kids to the fireworks. By 9:00 I was exhausted and my day at the beach had resulted in my skin looking the color of a cooked lobster. My patience was wearing thin. The kids were tired, they had clearly missed me, and it seems that it's going to be a rough transition going from being with daddy to being with mommy. At least for a little bit. That makes me sad, but I understand that that is how it is going to be. I've heard horror stories from moms saying "oh, he just got back from his dad's. It takes me all week to get him back to normal, and then it's time for him to go visit again." I am so not looking forward to having that problem.

I had to deal with a rollercoaster of emotions yesterday. He looked like he hadn't slept in days when he showed up. I asked him if he'd had a rough night. I would love to think he had stayed awake mourning this loss just as I have for so many nights, but I know that he was at a party with some of his friends. He questioned my reasoning for going to dinner after going to the funeral home the night before. Really? I don't remember asking you to explain why you eat...hmmm. Interesting. He told me he loves me, twice. And he tried to hug me. I think he's starting to realize that I am seriously done with this and he's scared. I don't think he's scared enough to change his ways. I don't think he's hit that lowest low yet. I think he feels bad-but I don't think he realizes what a horrible mistake he made. I told him I thought that I at least deserved to sit and talk with him face to face-that I refused to have this discussion through text messages, that we've swept our problems under the rug for 10 years because he didn't feel like dealing with them. If he didn't feel like talking about it, he would leave and not come back until he thought I had gotten over it. I didn't give him the papers. I don't know why. Or maybe I do. I think I'm afraid that he will stop seeing the kids. I would really like to hope that that will not be the case, but you never know.

Today I have a very busy day, but nothing tomorrow. The busy days are fine. The not busy days, not so much. Maybe tomorrow will be the day that I rekindle my relationship with Jillian. It has been nearly a month since we've spent any time together and it's quite obvious.